Jackalcare -- Resistance

I feel resistance to…. acting upon / employing the strategies that would lead to the fulfillment of my goals. It feels like a turning away from forward movement…. why? I feel torn in different directions; this is often indicative of internal ambivalence.

Are you feeling… pressure? to move forward? Do you feel…. unacknowledged? invisible? inadequate? Do you feel… powerful? autonomous? stuck?

I have this sensation of having made a choice I now regret but of wanting to avoid the regret so I cling to the choice. I likewise pretend that I am not aware that I am choosing to do this. I have other skills, now.

By resisting functional patterns I am trying to meet a need for choice and freedom. Ah…. it's because I judge the path with the functional patterns as "better," thus it doesn't feel like a choice -- my judgment that one path is superior precludes my ability to have my need for autonomy met in this interaction. Thus, the resistance.

Fuck you telling me my way is dysfunctional -- that word's already got a ring to it -- culturally, this is used as a judgment. Though I mean it strictly as "that which does not effectively led to the meeting of X need," it is still too culturally loaded for certain parts of my mind. Dysfunctional. Yeah. Bite me.

Are you feeling vulnerable? Are you feeling frightened because you need trust? Do you need reassurance? Would it be helpful for me to refocus on "integration" as a direction and examine the strategies of mine that are more based in "elimination" or "eradication?" Would I be willing to examine the dominator culture influences upon my assumptions? Would I be willing to accept that ALL parts of me have worked to the best of their ability to try to have my stated and believed needs met? Could I, perhaps, examine what a fine and functional job they did, especially given the circumstances? Would I acknowledge that I am, in fact, HERE, thus they must have done *something* that effectively led to having many of my needs met, thus my implied criticism in seeing other patterns as "better" is not only unnecessary or of benefit to me in any way, but also leads to constriction of certain parts of me. So why go there?

There is no point in wasting time judging -- it serves no purpose. If someday, for some reason, I decide that there is some purpose for putting it back on, I can. But for a while, I'd just as soon set it down any time I realize I'm holding it. Oh look -- judgment again -- now it's saying I should judge it for being there -- ah well -- set it aside….. bye bye! So, what am I feeling and needing right now? What needs was I trying to meet by employing the strategy of judgment?

I want to embrace functional habits that affirm life because I value health, vigor, fulfillment, joy, expression, abundance, openness, intimacy, wellness, sanity, safety, authenticity, liberation, etc.

I choose to embrace functional habits that affirm life because I value health, vigor, fulfillment, joy, expression, abundance, openness, intimacy, wellness, sanity, safety, authenticity, liberation, etc..

What specific things do I define as "functional habits"? Am I being too broad? Too specific? (Is clearing in order?) Functional habits:

Household order -- visual
Household order -- financial
Household order -- interpersonal/communication
Household order -- emotional stability
Household order -- conscious use of time

I'm seeing a theme -- is order in order? Am I needing order strongly right now? Is this one of those needs that I have, is largely unrecognized and chronically unmet? Hmm… that's a surprise. I feel overwhelmed because I have a need for order. Would I be willing to…. consciously create order once a day to consciously meet this unmet need?

Yes. I'd be willing to do that for one week, every day, and reassess next Sunday. Would that be pleasing to you?

Yes. If you would consciously create order once a day to consciously meet this chronically unmet need and then examine the effects, I would feel…… hopeful and satisfied -- it would meet my needs for safety and acceptance. How do you feel when you hear me say that?

I feel sad because I need safety and acceptance. [crying] When I reflect upon my judgments about my …. I have difficulty even finding a label that isn't judgmental…. manifestations of unmet needs I feel deep sadness, mourning -- grief but with a flavor to it that isn't sadness. I regret my evaluation because it did not meet my needs for safety and acceptance. Would I be willing to gently hold that pattern and examine it without evaluation?

I create a jackal feedback loop when I judge something and then judge myself for judging it, etc., etc.. As a practice I'm going to try to drop evaluation from my menu for a while, just so see how I feel if I don't eat any for a while. It might be fine to add some back into my diet, but when I reflect upon how many times I felt ill after eating this particular menu item, I think that it might be efficacious for me to experiment with not ordering it for a time to see how I feel. I have no judgment of having ordered it in the past, but now, now that I'm observing my reaction to it, I am willing to experiment with a short-term elimination diet to note the effects.