Needs (vs Strategies)

I am yet noticing another thing while I try, sometimes in vain, to discern my underlying needs in different situations.

In the four part formula of NVC (observe, feeling, need, request) I find I have the most difficulty figuring out what my need is. Often, my first need is too specific or too general -- rather, it is a desire that masks the greater need underneath.

I kid you not -- sometimes it takes me DAYS to figure out how to observe, identify my feeling, identify my need and then formulate an actionable request... and mostly it's the "need" part that hangs me up for so long.

Just last night I was examining needs that I seem to have, needs that often go unmet. Marshall Rosenberg talks about how needs are never in conflict -- we all need the same things -- but that the strategies we may use to get those needs met can be in conflict.

So. How to identify a need.....

What I found was that, often, a need I think I have is actually a STRATEGY for getting a need met, not the need itself.

For instance, I was believing that I had a need to spend intimate time alone with my husband. This is a need which, with small children (read: toddlers with sometimes erratic sleeping habits, who get teeth, cough at night, or otherwise wake themselves up) is sometimes difficult to fulfill. After the third night in a row (now the fourth, but I'm over it) of spending hours trying to get a usually easily sleeping baby to sleep instead of spending alone time with my husband (which was my intended plan), well, I started to get a little cranky about it.

But what happens then? When my needs conflict with the needs of my children?

I remembered what Marshall said -- he's a very smart man who has considered these things deeply -- I tend to believe him. So, okay, needs are not in conflict, but rather the strategies to get those needs met.

And, other times I have looked at it personally and realized that what is in my family's best interest is always in my best interest as well. I am part of my family, therefore what is best for me is best for them and vice versa. Realizing that has led to effortless prioritization -- if I think about it from the collective perspective, the choice is almost always clear. So how does that apply to this situation?

I need to spend alone time with my husband.... or do I? Is it possible that spending time with him is a strategy for MEETING a need rather than the need itself? Hmmmm..... So what do I get out of the experience? What need(s) is it fulfilling?

I have a need for relaxation, for bliss, for laughter. I have a need for "down time," for jumping around however I want with myself as the focus of my caring. I have a need for sexual expression, for intimacy, for health, healing and energy. I have a need for love, companionship, camaraderie, fellowship, spiritual realization, vigor, peace, understanding and communion.

Wow. Time with him meets a lot of needs -- guess that's why I like him so much. BUT, in the instances where I am temporarily unable to employ that particular strategy of having those needs met, might I meet them in some other ways? At least some of them?

Why yes, I might. So now that I realize that I am no longer quite so.... stressed about not getting to spend as much time with him as I would sometimes like. Sure, a wonderful time is had by all when we do get to be alone, but why not have a wonderful time even when we don't? This is what's happening -- I may as well enjoy it. My children will not be young forever. In fact, they are young for only a very, very short time.

So, now when I think I have a need, I am examining it very carefully to see if it is REALLY a need and not 1) an ego-desire (no one really NEEDS six hundred jelly beans) or 2) I have confused a strategy with a need. Once I can discern the real need, only then will I be able to effectively fill it.