The Jackal Show

I sit here eating organic yogurt with raisins and pine nuts in it, sipping hot jasmine tea, listening to The Jackal Show. I feel fortunate because I need clarity within my consciousness; hearing The Jackal Show AS The Jackal Show meets that need for clarity.

The Jackal Show is amusing to me, as long as I realize it as such, rather than "The Voice Of Reason," or more damaging to me "My Own Inner Voice." Really, it is often the Voice Of Socialization, a voice designed to keep most members of said society trapped between very close standard deviations of the collective bell curve.

I've always lived at the edge of the bell curve -- my Authentic Sel(ves)f just don't fit very well into that big bucket in the middle. And that's OKAY. The bell curve needs edges in order to stay geometrically stable anyway and besides -- I don't really care for crowds. But I digress....

The Jackal Show has been playing some unexpected messages to me this week. Though on some level I anticipated some outcries from the internalized Jackal regarding my life-affirming choice to terminate my job. I am surprised by it's method of attempted evaluation.

I was expecting to hear all sorts of messages like "Oh my gawd! You're going to be broke! No money! The electric will be shut off and.... etc.." or "Now you're LIVING OFF OF YOUR HUSBAND!!!! You're a MOOCH! A FREELOADER! A bon-bon sucking HOUSEWIFE!!!!" I was even prepared for "I'm sort of surprised at you -- how irresponsible. To walk off the job, poof! just like some teenager who doesn't show up for work at Taco Bell because he's too hung over. I'm surprised at your age.... etc."

But I have heard none of these -- not one of the expected scripts was being rerun on The Jackal Show this week. Oh no.... they finally hired themselves a new writer, one who can come up with original, topical events to work into the plot.

What was my Jackal Show about this week? Are you ready for this? "You know, a *real* feminist would never quit her job, give up her financial independence, eradicate her only source of regular, predictable income. You finally had your own checking account, your own cash flow, and now this? You have SUCCUMBED TO THE PATRIARCHY!!! Bad feminist -- no whole wheat biscuit."

No kidding. This has been my Jackal Show guilt trip. Sure, it's been turned down kind of quiet -- if I'd heard it loudly sooner, I could have piped in with my evaluation of The Show: "Creative. Topical. But ridiculous."

First of all, the biggest "succumbing to the patriarchy" I ever did was to be gainfully employed by it. And excuse me Mr. Jackal -- I'm NOT unemployed -- I'm a free-lance writer. I write more in a week than most professional writers write in a month, so you can kiss my..... (See where evaluation gets me?)

I mean..... (Starting with observation.)

[to self] Writing is my profession; this week I met all of my professional goals. I feel disappointed because I need to know that my efforts are valued. Would you be willing to acknowledge that I *do* have a job?

And thus The Jackal says, ah, foiled again. But unlike the scripted TV Jackal Shows, in the end the "bad guy" and the "good guy" get to end the show as friends. When looked at honesty and responsibly, there is no conflict -- even a jackal can see that.

I feel gratified and happy because I need creativity and independence. My career change meets those needs. Would I be willing to acknowledge my happiness?

Why, yes. I would.