Jackals In March

I had planned to stay at home while R took the kids to the library; I was planning to take my first walk (for fitness) since before my surgery in August. I was feeling excited and enthusiastic about the prospect of walking -- thinking about it met my needs for progress and health.

As R got in the van, M asked if I was going along and indicated that she would like me to; R asked if I wanted to go along or if I needed a break. I felt….. ambivalent, torn, confused, anxious…. I was wanting a moment to think with no one talking. My stomach knotted up, my chest felt constricted. I felt anger in the center of my forehead (it still hurts) and my heartspace closed like a fist around hot coals. I said things that were not in line with my values that I don’t remember very clearly. I got out of the van, closed the door, dropped my phone. Got back in, wiped off phone, said more unclear things about just doing what everyone else wanted me to do. R drove around the block; M encouraged me to say my "happy words" (which I did) and suggested I go for my walk. R and I talked; I decided to have him drop me off. I took a walk.

When the possibility of me going along to the library was mentioned, I felt confused and anxious because I needed stability and trust.

When my request for "a moment of silence" was not granted (demand) I felt irritated and overwhelmed because I needed peace and stability.

When I felt the physical and emotional sensations in my body I assessed them as strong; I felt afraid and vulnerable because I need safety and peace.

When I was saying jackal words, I felt sad and disappointed because I value safety, love and acceptance.

When I decided to go back home and take my walk, I felt calm and relieved because I value sanity, trust and wellness.

When I took my walk, I felt elated -- it met my needs for autonomy, care, health and integrity.

***
What I wish had happened:

When M told me that she couldn't be quiet, I wish that I had calmly gotten out of the van and said "I need a moment." I would have liked to have taken a few deep breaths, checked in with myself, assessed how I was feeling, listen for the jackal voice and empathize with it, said my affirmations/dedications in my head before either 1) making a decision or 2) getting back in the van to discuss it further.

OR

When M and R initially asked about the possibility of me going to the library, I wish that I had heard these as invitations, as questions, rather than implied obligations or demands. If I had been fully conscious of my own autonomy and conscious of the feelings/needs they were expressing, I might have heard this as a question (it wasn't even a request -- just a "would you like to stay or go?" question) and simply said "I'd prefer to stay here." I had on jackal ears -- I heard a demand instead of a question; my "should" thinking kicked in.

When I thought in terms of "should," I felt constricted, uncomfortable and explosive because I need autonomy, freedom and choice. The next time I find myself reacting this way, would I be willing to take a moment to look for my own should thinking? Would I be willing to take a moment (see above) and empathize with myself / discover the true source of my feelings before continuing the interaction with another being(s)?

Unskillful Strategy: By saying things that are not in line with my values I was attempting to meet my needs for autonomy, health and freedom.

When I think of myself needing autonomy, health and freedom and not employing a strategy that was in line with my values, I feel compassion because I value peace and bliss. Would I be willing to stop for a moment and physically hug myself?

Yes.

This has been a deeply moving spiritual experience for me: I feel appreciation for myself for stepping all the way through the process, in writing -- this meets my needs for compassion, empathy, love, liberation, peace and encouragement. Would I be willing to tell me how I feel when I hear me say that?

I feel… giddy. This appreciation meets my needs for understanding, empathy, visibility and hope. Would I be willing to continue writing out the interactions that I regret until I have fully expressed them, transcended and healed them? Would I be willing to fully embrace the jackal with acceptance and love when I find it within me?

Yes. Ah… this meets my needs for clarity and direction.

Ready
Set
Go
!