Empathy: Scared Stupid

I had an interesting experience this week in my attempts to use empathy.

I was reading comments on a page related to Noam Chomsky. I would generally expect that most people who were interested in him would have values similar to my own, so I was surprised when I found a comment by someone whose values were drastically different.

I felt myself reacting to the words, words I've heard before and words which frighten / anger me. I felt the chemical rush, the blood filling my cappilaries, the "fight or flight" response of cortisol.

Whoa... This is just some person on the internet expressing an opinion -- no need to get so worked up. So I looked at it as a chance to practice NVC, to see what would happen if I applied empathy. Here is a paraphrase of the result:

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(Them) "You ought to be shot for thinking like this. We need SECURITY in this country, not a bunch of Liberals whining about social justice. I mean, come on -- we're at WAR."

(Me) "Are you feeling afraid because you need to feel secure and safe? Are you feeling fear because you think that the public focus should be on the war and not on social issues?"

(Them) "You goddamned Liberals are screwing up the whole country -- why don't you just shut the hell up and let the president do his job."

(Me) "Are you feeling frustrated because there is dissent among the people of this country regarding foreign policy decisions? Would you like to see more harmony among the people of America?"

(Them) "Thank God there are still some red blooded Americans here who are willing to keep the rest of you whiny asses safe."

(Me) "Are you feeling a sense of community and acceptance with those who have similar views about foreign policy? Are you feeling frustrated because you would like to see more gratitude towards those in the armed forces?"

(Them) "And don't bother sending me a bunch of uneducated Liberal crap -- I won't read it. Peace would be nice, but war is the reality."

(Me) "Are you feeling frustrated because you don't think that the arguments against war are based upon logic? Do you feel sad that war is happening, but resigned because you think that it is necessary? Does this approximate how you are feeling in response to the page about Noam Chomsky?"

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I had this dialog in my head while I re-read the comment, and found that I had a TOTALLY different reaction the second time around. Instead of feeling defensive and like I wanted to argue with this person, to educate them, to make them feel so stupid for feeling the way they did that SURELY they would change their mind.

With empathy, I saw them as they were -- frightened and concerned about their safety in a sometimes very dangerous world. When viewed that way, how could I feel anger? They feel as many people do, and surely in a way that I have at times felt myself. The difference between this person and myself is our belief in the effective strategies to get that security and safety.

There is never a conflict in needs, only a conflict in strategies to fill those needs.

The phrase "scared stupid" popped into my mind, and though it sounds judgmental, it actually carried with it a heart opening experience. This person was not using logic particularly effectively -- if I had wanted, I could have torn his argument apart and left him with nothing to hold onto or believe in. (I've done this before, many times.) I could have made him feel defensive, attacked, and thus furthered the uncomfortable rift he was already feeling between himself and those he labels "Liberals." I could have shaken his tree, thus causing him to cling to it all that much tighter. I could have experienced my own sense of righteousness, of superiority, of holier than thou looking down my nose because I am much more educated snobbery.

But I didn't. Or rather, I stopped myself when I found myself going there and consciously tried a different perspective. It was amazing how much different I felt, and how much different my communication with him would have been had I chosen to engage with him.

I'm thinking about purposefully seeking out "inflammatory" commentaries from perspectives I do not agree with and trying this out again. I may even, with a little practice, try some actual empathic communication with the writers of such commentary.

Hmmmmm.......