Linguistic Resistance

I am observing two things:

* The more I integrate NVC into my life, the more my needs are met on a regular basis.

* I observe myself multiple times a day using life-alienating language, especially phrases which would fall under the heading "denial of responsibility." I am often cognitively aware that I am about to do this before I speak and note my choice of phrase:

"I need something out of the kitchen."

"I have to get up."

"You need to put on pajamas."

Sigh. When I note this linguistic style, I feel disheartened -- it does not meet my needs for autonomy and freedom. Though I am puzzled…. I *do* have a choice in that I often note myself about to say something like this, so what is up with that?

Would you be willing to examine what needs of yours are being met by employing conditioned methods of speaking? Um, sure….

Let's see… what needs are met by saying "I need" and "I have to," which are the two most common? (I rarely say "I should," for which I am grateful.) Hmm….. using habituated language meets my needs for ease and simplicity… and mastery? I am "good at" speaking like that -- it is what I'm used to.

On the other hand, if I were to choose to use a different phrase -- I'm getting something from the kitchen; I would like to get up; Would you be willing to put on your pajamas? Hmm….. in translating these things, it really doesn't seem all that daunting or difficult to say it differently -- that really didn't require much thought -- it really feels indicative of an attitude. What is the attitude?

When I say "need to" and "have to," it seems to carry more weight, as if my desires are somehow more important if they are phrased that way. Do I believe that my desires are more likely to happen or meet with less resistance if I phrase them in a way that they sound inevitable, or as if I don't have a choice in the matter? As if they *MUST* happen?

When I consider the implications of phrasing things this way I feel…. like wrinkling my nose…. is that mild disgust? It doesn't meet my needs for honesty or autonomy. Would I be willing to experiment with using other phrases tomorrow?

I feel hopeful about this -- I had thought I was phrasing things "the old way" because it would be too difficult to figure out how to say them another way, but I see in writing this / thinking about alternatives that that isn't true -- it was just an assumption. There is a lingering fear that my needs won't be met if I phrase things without the "denial of responsibility" words, but the only way I will find that out is through experimentation. Would I be willing to work with the fear of my needs not being met to see whether or not that is actually the case?

Yep, I think so.

Would I also be willing to try to maintain a relaxed, observational attitude during the experiment and avoid judging any instances of conditioned phraseology? Yes, I would. Having that attitude meets my needs for safety, reassurance and playful exploration.

I am curious how this will go, how my requests or announcements of intention will be received if I word them differently. Hmm…. we'll see, we'll see…..