Politics and Empathy

When you hear people using language in accusatory, blame-oriented ways surrounding politics, do you feel sad and disappointed? Would you like to see more peace and understanding surrounding political debate? More unity and friendliness? Respect? Do you feel pessimistic that these needs will be met regarding politics any time in the near future? Are you seeking ways to view these dynamics that will meet your needs for peace, despite how others may choose to engage?

I do resonate with the sadness you feel surrounding this, and have myself experienced discomfort and disappointment with the way that politics are discussed in our culture. (This was an issue for me four years ago with the last election, i.e. the only one I ever consciously paid attention to. It was an experiment. :<)) My practice with this has been to use it as an opportunity to practice empathy. A couple of years ago when I was working on developing more empathy toward others, especially those with whom I most strongly disagree, I would read or listen to their words looking for feelings and needs. Pretty much no one in our culture has been taught how to communicate in nonviolent ways -- they are expressing themselves as best they know how.

I have learned to automatically empathize when I hear angry words, accusations, blame, etc. Often, there are underlying feelings of fear, disappointment, mourning, anguish, a need for security, safety, connection, unity -- all needs that I can identify with. Culturally, we are taught to focus on strategies and argue over those, rather than understand or even have knowledge about the underlying needs we are trying to meet with those strategies. It is tragic that the very same needs that are at stake are often the ones least likely to be met by this way of dialoging, which brings up a great compassion within me for the suffering that motivates this type of dialog, and likewise results from it.

I do not know if this alleviates sadness, but I am okay with sadness. Compassion sometimes feels like a combination of sad, joy, and love all mixed together, and I am fulfilled by that feeling -- it meets my needs for connection, community, openness, and understanding. Anger, irritation, alienation, disconnection, etc., on the other hand, did NOT meet my needs -- I found these feelings alienating and unfulfilling, thus my commitment and practice of hearing the feelings and needs behind this kind of jackal dialog and translating it a way that allows me to feel connection, understanding, compassion, and unity with all people, even when I disagree with them, and even when they are expressing themselves in an angry or aggressive way. (Or in very long sentences.)

I actually sought out this kind of jackal dialog, because in my day to day life it really doesn't exit. I don't watch television and haven't for about twenty years, so I don't see the level and frequency of argumentation and name-calling that I am sure exists there. I don't find it fulfilling to innundate my life with these dynamics, thus I very consciously choose what stimuli I am exposed to and surround myself with. While I can empathize and understand these dynamics, at the same time, I do not necessarily want them screaming at me from my living room on a daily basis -- this would not meet my needs for peace and harmony within my home. Nevertheless, I am occasionally presented with the type of political debating you mention, and when I am (or when I seek it out to practice) I stay in empathy, which allows me to maintain my peace, regardless of circumstances.

Another strategy I have employed when people in my life bring up politics in a face to face conversation is to let them know, rather quickly, that I don't discuss politics. (Sometimes referred to as "interrupting giraffe" in NVC.) I have my own political views, and support those who wish to and enjoy debate, but I do not find this fulfilling, thus I have no interest in engaging in that activity. To date, I have yet to have anyone be offended, though I have had people verbally acknowledge what I said, and then go on to try to continue the conversation anyway. I empathize with how they are feeling (it is usually pretty obvious in the first sentence or two), then remind them that I have no interest in discussing politics. If it happens a third time (which has only happened once) I'll excuse myself and walk away. At this point, I might be able to tolerate a longer discussion, as long as I stayed in empathy, but largely it is just a subject I don't find fulfilling to discuss, thus I am not interested in engaging in it -- I am at peace with making that preference clear.

Correction: Reality, Self & Storylines

To all those present at yesterday's meeting, particularly the Dancefloor exercise portion afterward, I have a "correction" to make about something that I said. I misspoke, or rather spoke about a topic in a way that didn't give enough background information, and thus later I had a concern that my words could / would be taken to mean something that I didn't actually intend. As this does not meet my needs for authenticity or clarity, I decided to clarify what I meant.

We were talking about the stories we tell ourselves regarding who we are or events of the past. I mentioned my modality, when I realize I am engaged in an egoic narrative, of having my mind create several stories, to take away the clinging to or power of one particular narrative. I then said something to the effect that all identity is a story line, that which story one picks is almost arbitrary, so why not pick one that is life-affirming? One that allows our needs to be met?

This sounds to me, in retrospect, as though I am advocating telling stories about one's self that might, perhaps, just put one in the "best" light possible, or implying that what is "real" about one's self is arbitrary and based solely on what one creates in one's mind, or that the story we tell ourselves is created by either our jackal or self-defender voice, so why not pick the self-defender? NONE OF THESE THINGS IS WHAT I ACTUALLY MEANT. I realized, in retrospect, that this is what my words "sounded like" or implied, which did not meet my needs for clarity or authenticity since this is not what I actually believe or have experienced to be true. To me, ANY story that polarizes our beliefs about right / wrong, my side / their side, good / bad, etc., leads to a constricting and impartial view of reality, so that is not at all what I meant. I also don't see a benefit to "kidding one's self" about who one really is, or just telling stories that one finds pleasant to believe, or in any way deluding one's self about the nature of the self or reality.

What I *do* believe is that as we transcend a lot of these conditioned patterns / stories where we are either the victim (self-defender side) or the bad guy (jackal side) that we can gain greater expansiveness and clarity about who we really are. I believe that people have an inherent nature (in my spiritual tradition they call it "awakened heart-mind") that is clear of obscurations (i.e. the conditioned jackal responses to life that translate into ineffective strategies and suffering) and "at one" with all of existence. To me, as we take off the stories, conditioned narratives, and ego reinforcing beliefs, we become more and more in touch with that clear and expansive center.

What I advocate is finding that center and supporting it, by letting go of the stories that reinforce us staying in a state of suffering, that keep us from having our needs met. I advocate letting go of belief systems (read: stories) that repeatedly tie us to the jackal/self-defender version of reality and allow us to expand into a reality of interconnection, peace, compassion and equanimity. I mentioned that, as a writer, I grasp how much of identity is constructed (as I am my primary topic of textual study and write as approximately seven different people), but was not implying that I invent or "lie about" who I really am when I write. The opposite is actually true -- I feel freer, more expansive, more authentic, more honest, when I write than when I speak. (My verbal language has been more strongly conditioned than my written language.) There are a million ways to view the same information, the same reality, the same stimulus -- why not consciously choose perceptions that lead closer and closer to ultimate expansion and union with the All? Why continue to choose stories that are self-limiting, that lead to suffering, that constrict and confine our potential for bliss, fulfillment, peace, actualization and liberation? We have a choice -- it is our mind -- it is our relationship with reality.

That is more what I meant.

This meets my need for clarity, communication and authenticity. Thank you for reading / listening.

Constrictive Giving

I am noting in myself today a resistance to giving, a holding back, a lethargy, a clinging -- this does not meet my needs for flow and energy. Throughout the day, I often feel tired, heavy, unenergetic -- this coincides with my resistance to giving. I seem to believe that if I give with energy, I won't have any left, when in fact the opposite is true.

I know from experience that open-handed giving leads to an increase of energy, not a decrease. Giving from the heart is a positive feedback loop -- as one gives, one also receives. Constrictive giving, however, expends more energy than it creates -- the giving is difficult and one receives nothing.

I noted an overlap of this idea in my movement class tonight as we experimented with free flow and bound or constrictive flow. The former led to effortless flowing movement; the latter led to a great expenditure of energy with very little return. It also seemed to segment the body, causing parts of it to feel cut off.

This same principle applies to giving -- in the natural yield and push dynamic, there is easy, effortless flow of energy of all types. The constricted state leads to instant exhaustion and discouragement -- it doesn't feel good, so there is very little impetus to continue moving.

So much of my energy has been bound up in this dynamic, of gripping, constrictive energy that has a difficult time comfortably manifesting in the world. I endeavor to be more fully aware of the natural flow of energy in and through my body, to yield and push, to ground and float, to receive and give love. Total, persistent and in the moment connection to this rhythm of reality is my focus.

Tomorrow I will endeavor to remember this.

Exorcise

6. Receive empathy from yourself and/or another person until you experience a shift.

*******************

Silent empathy does not meet my need for empathy. I feel disappointed and… incomplete. Alienated and numb. Disconnected. My needs for empathy were not met. If I had it to do over again, I would have sat quietly alone and given myself empathy -- this would have more fully met my needs.

I feel…. empty. Alone. But these things do not feel alienating. I feel centered, grounded, complete within my incompleteness. I trust that I have everything within me to process this. Would I be willing to work with this some more?

I fought the urge to run, to just pick up my stuff and leave right before the end of the workshop. I felt alternately numb and emotionally overwhelmed, disconnected and alienated. Terminally unique, as one participant so aptly put it. I felt…. invisible, unseen, ununderstood, unknowable. I feel anguish right now; my needs for connection and empathy were not met.

But what is in this to learn? Something…. something that "looks like" an old jackal view I once had, but is different, transformed somehow -- I see the same landscape of isolation from a different level, one that acknowledges the interconnectedness of all things/beings, which recognizes the universality of feelings and needs, but one which also accepts the uniqueness of each individual experience.

Maybe this comes from a chronic unmet need for empathy -- though I know those who can provide that empathy, I seem to ask for it from those who can't. (Today, even randomly so, by accident.) What do I learn? That self-empathy is key for me, that I might be better served to offer it to myself rather than seek it / rely upon it from external sources.

I discovered in myself, underneath the strongest, most toxic, vicious jackal voice, a previously unvoiced need for congruity, for reality to stabilize, to not "sneak up on me" with painful and unexpected messages of hatred and blame. This will never happen -- it is a need that cannot and will not be met. I mourn this and accept it peacefully, if somewhat tearfully.

That acceptance seems to open up a space inside of me, to ground me more strongly and firmly than I have heretofore experienced that sensation. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I didn't want to interact. I didn't want to put on my personality. I didn't want to communicate. I just wanted to keep steady with the tides of sensation, to resist the urge to run, to resist my resistance.

If I had had actual, verbal empathy, perhaps I would have processed this to a different place. I realized the potential to feel disappointment over that, but stayed on the ride without bias to see where it would go.

I have no idea where it has gone. I have no idea where I am. I have no idea who I am. Luckily, I can easily accept this -- it is not the first time that parts of My Self have disappeared suddenly, so it doesn't cause alarm. I feel…. hopeful, adventurous -- this meets my needs for exploration and discovery, for practice, for ease within emptiness.

I also feel sad, mourning. I generally feel connected to others, if somewhat uncertain at times, depending upon the intensity of my jackal. Now… now I feel inorganic, object-like, solid but apart. My drive to benefit or interact with others is gone -- I think this is a positive. Benefiting implies helping; helping implies changing; changing implies judgment. I'd rather not care. I'd rather not judge. I'd rather be this rock.

For now.

Linguistic Resistance

I am observing two things:

* The more I integrate NVC into my life, the more my needs are met on a regular basis.

* I observe myself multiple times a day using life-alienating language, especially phrases which would fall under the heading "denial of responsibility." I am often cognitively aware that I am about to do this before I speak and note my choice of phrase:

"I need something out of the kitchen."

"I have to get up."

"You need to put on pajamas."

Sigh. When I note this linguistic style, I feel disheartened -- it does not meet my needs for autonomy and freedom. Though I am puzzled…. I *do* have a choice in that I often note myself about to say something like this, so what is up with that?

Would you be willing to examine what needs of yours are being met by employing conditioned methods of speaking? Um, sure….

Let's see… what needs are met by saying "I need" and "I have to," which are the two most common? (I rarely say "I should," for which I am grateful.) Hmm….. using habituated language meets my needs for ease and simplicity… and mastery? I am "good at" speaking like that -- it is what I'm used to.

On the other hand, if I were to choose to use a different phrase -- I'm getting something from the kitchen; I would like to get up; Would you be willing to put on your pajamas? Hmm….. in translating these things, it really doesn't seem all that daunting or difficult to say it differently -- that really didn't require much thought -- it really feels indicative of an attitude. What is the attitude?

When I say "need to" and "have to," it seems to carry more weight, as if my desires are somehow more important if they are phrased that way. Do I believe that my desires are more likely to happen or meet with less resistance if I phrase them in a way that they sound inevitable, or as if I don't have a choice in the matter? As if they *MUST* happen?

When I consider the implications of phrasing things this way I feel…. like wrinkling my nose…. is that mild disgust? It doesn't meet my needs for honesty or autonomy. Would I be willing to experiment with using other phrases tomorrow?

I feel hopeful about this -- I had thought I was phrasing things "the old way" because it would be too difficult to figure out how to say them another way, but I see in writing this / thinking about alternatives that that isn't true -- it was just an assumption. There is a lingering fear that my needs won't be met if I phrase things without the "denial of responsibility" words, but the only way I will find that out is through experimentation. Would I be willing to work with the fear of my needs not being met to see whether or not that is actually the case?

Yep, I think so.

Would I also be willing to try to maintain a relaxed, observational attitude during the experiment and avoid judging any instances of conditioned phraseology? Yes, I would. Having that attitude meets my needs for safety, reassurance and playful exploration.

I am curious how this will go, how my requests or announcements of intention will be received if I word them differently. Hmm…. we'll see, we'll see…..

Evaluation, Projection and Empathy

I am noticing a change in me, in the way that I evaluate situations between other people.

Historically, whenever I've see someone being violent toward someone else (usually an adult being violent to a child) I've responded by feeling angry and/or violent toward the adult. I definitely judge(d) the adult's actions as "wrong" and had strong urges to "even the score," so to speak. Because I have a history of physical violence, the possibility of me actually carrying out this impulse is/was quite high. (I've done it before.) Thus, this is an area I've been examining.

I had the opportunity to compare two very similar situations this past weekend, both involving me witnessing violence toward children. I found my reactions interesting and noted how I felt after each one.

The first situation occurred in a parking lot of a restaurant we had just eaten dinner at on Friday evening. We were walking to our van (after taking a walk around the building twice) when I heard a woman yelling "Stop!" I saw a girl, probably about four years old, running across the parking lot. There was a car coming, and it stopped quickly. The mother (ostensibly) dove toward the child and missed her, then fell and rolled, spilling her drink on the ground.

When she got up, she started yelling at the girl and hitting her -- I think she hit her three or four times. The father (ostensibly) scooped the child up and said something to the mother I couldn't hear. Then the mother started yelling at the man, indicating by her words that he disagreed with her choice to hit their daughter.

Seeing this triggered a strong chemical response in me, first from the potential of seeing a child run over by a car, then by seeing a woman fall and be potentially injured, then from seeing a child hit repeatedly. I felt a huge chemical / emotional surge that I would have a difficult time labeling -- I felt a sense of heightened alertness and was ready to "spring" to whatever action might have been necessary or appropriate. When the chemical intensity had died down enough to register any particular emotion, I felt sad and upset -- my needs for safety had not been met.

My "action urge" was to approach the woman, ascertain if she was okay physically, and then hit her as hard as I could in the face with my shoe. (This was very specific -- I didn't want to bruise my knuckles and knew that if I hit her with my hand as hard as I wanted, I would injure myself.) My thinking was as follows: Her daughter did something that did not meet her needs for safety and she became upset. Her reaction was to hit her daughter. Seeing that did not meet my needs for safety and I became upset, thus my reaction was to hit her. If these things are not different, then how could she be upset with my assault? How as it different from her own?

Luckily, I only had a strong urge to do this, and instead of acting on that urge, I herded my kids into the van and tried to reassure them -- hearing another child crying was not meeting their needs for safety.

Afterward, I felt on the brink of losing my temper for about ten minutes. I felt…edgy, anxious, sad, disappointed. My needs for safety were not met. My brain had produced the chemicals to support a state of rapid action, thus I felt strong urges to DO some sort of action, but nothing I could think of was appropriate / in line with my values. After a while, the feeling passed -- I consciously became involved in other activities and went on about my night.

The next day I was shopping and heard an exchange between a woman and (ostensibly) her daughter, who was about eight years old. I couldn't hear what the girl said, but could hear the mother's side of the conversation clearly. The mother said that she had told the girl to go to the bathroom before they left the house, so she was just going to have to hold it. The girl said something else, then the mother told her she would "tear her up" with a belt if she wet her pants and reiterated that she would have to hold it until they got home.

My first response was anger, but since I am working with that, I immediately examined what was underneath the anger. I felt…. sad, anguish -- my needs for safety, respect, wellness and equality were not being met. I had a palpable chemical reaction and started crying. I considered offering to walk the girl to the bathroom, but hesitated long enough that they moved on and I didn't see them anymore.

I wrestled with anger for a few moments, feeling the familiar sensation of judgment and should thinking about the mother. I felt so sad, sick to my stomach. I also wrestled with my own guilt at not doing something to help the situation, of my conditioning that tells me I "shouldn't" do anything. I also felt confusion and uncertainty and wanted clarity about how I would have liked to have acted in that situation.

I felt empathy for the girl -- did she feel afraid? Embarrassed? Did she need safety and acknowledgement? Autonomy? Respect?

Then I was able to empathize with the mother -- did she feel overwhelmed? Irritated? Was she needing support, rest, ease? (Then, had I been able to get to this place quicker…) Would she be willing to allow me to take her daughter to the restroom while she took a short break?

This situation lingered in my consciousness longer than the one the night before, and when I examined why, I realized that it was because the father intervening and comforting his daughter did partially meet my needs for safety. The story I projected onto that family is that this was an extreme situation, that hitting their child was not what they did as a matter of course, and thus my safety needs were partially met.

The interaction in the store lingered more, in that none of my needs for safety were met. The story I projected onto that family was one where this was how they usually spoke to one another, that this child was probably subjected to this sort of violent language and actions on a regular basis.

On the other hand, I felt less anger in the second case, meaning that because I was able to feel empathy for the mother as well as the daughter, I also felt compassion for her as well. I saw her overwhelmed, angry outburst as the manifestation of all mothers who don't get the support and help they need, who don't know any other way to release their hurt and frustrated emotions, who were probably also spoken to and treated the same way as children. I saw here as part of the larger society, as another example of the violence that is inherent in a disconnected, closed-hearted society.

Half an hour later, I found myself still feeling down, heavy, bummed out -- my needs for resolution and empathy had not been met. Thus I sat down and processed, sorted through all of my feelings and needs, empathized with all parties involved. I also realized / wrote, "My suffering will never minimize the suffering of another," and knew that it was true. Compassion is not suffering, though if the heart-space emotions aren't fully acknowledged and felt fully (i.e. resisted and thus grasped) then suffering occurs.

And wrote some more about it here……
http://www.chaos_monkey.blogspot.com/

Translation - should

I should make money.
I should lose weight.
I should eat better.
I should manage time better.
I should do my practices more.
I should pursue the career aspect of writing more.
I should clean the house.
I should be more energetic.
I should be happier.
I should be enlightened by now.
I should apply myself more.
I should stop using the word should.
I should be able to transcend my conditioning.

**
I choose not to make money right now; this meets my needs for autonomy, relaxation and detachment.

I choose not to focus on quantitative measures of health; this meets my needs for freedom and acceptance.

I choose to make intuitive choices about food, trusting my body to most fully utilize the food it takes in -- this meets my need for trust.

For the first six weeks of the year, I kept detailed plans and records of how I spent my time. I felt energized, enthusiastic and motivated which met my needs for vigor, effortlessness and movement. For a like number of weeks, I have not kept detailed plans and records of how I spend my time. I feel lethargic, defeated and hopeless -- my needs for development, expansion and authentic expression are not being fully met. Would I be willing to examine these two states without judging or comparing them?

(I am clinging to a moment when I felt discouraged, when I needed empathy and didn't receive it. When I think about that I feel sad because I want safety; when I think about needing empathy and not receiving it, I realize that my needs for safety are not being met. Would I be willing to ask for empathy about this issue?)

For a while I consistently had a daily practice; now my practice is not as consistent and/or if it is I am unaware of it since I have not been consistently tracking it. (See: time management above.) When I consistently did and acknowledged a practice, I felt satisfied and fulfilled -- it met my needs for safety, reliability, stability and acknowledgement. Would I be willing to write down the number of practices I do everyday and observe how I feel after doing so?

See number 1. I choose to write whatever I damn well please -- this meets my needs for expression, autonomy and freedom.

When my house is visually ordered I feel energized -- it meets my needs for stability, relaxation and order. Would I be willing to note the needs that are met by not cleaning the house? Not cleaning my house meets my needs for autonomy, relaxation and detachment. Would I be willing to acknowledge that one state is not "better" than the other, but rather meets different needs? Would I be willing to trust my intuitive impulses to direct my choices when I am in my house?

The more I move the more energy I have. The less I move the less energy I have. When I am open-heartedly engaged in moving my body, I feel energized, light and free -- it meets my needs for energy, enthusiasm, vigor and wellness. Would I be willing to focus on breathing more deeply during this coming week? Would I be willing to make a sign to hang in the livingroom to remind me to breathe?

There were many times in my life when my body produced the neurochemicals associated with happiness in much less abundance than now. I *am* happy motherfucker.

I have been working toward transcending conditioned reality since I was a young child; I have overcome many obstacles between then and now. Would I be willing to acknowledge my intermittent and continued participation in samsara with compassion? Would I be willing to let go of my competition/hierarchical based paradigms? Would I be willing to acknowledge that on some level all beings already are enlightened, that this bardic state is not the totality of reality and that the ending of suffering is inevitable? Would I be willing to remember that time is a construct? In that light, then, would I be willing to admit that I already am enlightened and all I am lacking is recognition and integration? In a nutshell: time and space have no real meaning -- there is no reason to rush or be impatient -- would I be wiling to relax and enjoy the ride? Yeah, ok.

When I read the things I have known for a long time or reflect upon the knowledge I have, I feel… confused -- my needs for actualization and authenticity are not being fully met. Would I be willing to keep track of my daily practices? Doing so would meet my needs for stability and integration.

When I use the word "should" I feel constricted and rebellious -- it does not meet my needs for autonomy, choice and freedom. Would I be willing, whenever I notice a "should" message, to remind myself that there is no such thing, that the meaning is illusory, empty? Would I be willing to view the word "should" as a culturally conditioned verbal cliché, as a concept devoid of meaning outside of the culture in which it was produced? Would I be willing to extend compassion to myself, and all beings, who are conditioned in the consciousness of should? Would I be willing to demonstrate, recognize and embrace my own innate autonomy when encountering the concept should?

Human beings are neurologically wired to become conditioned; I am a human being. When I think about the power of my conditioning, I feel fear -- it does not meet my needs for freedom and choice. Would I be willing to see my conditioning, not as something to be "gotten rid of," but as something to embrace and integrate? Would I be willing to see it as adaptive, as functional, and honor and appreciate all that it has done for me? Would I also be willing to acknowledge that I *have* transcended a portion of my conditioning? That I continue to push through resistance, even while generating more resistance? When I think of the times I have persevered when faced with obstacles, I feel…. grateful and secure -- it meets my needs for safety, stability and certainty.

Ahh…. that feels better. Should's are just so heavy, weight so much -- they nail my ass to the ground, and not in a fun way.