Translation - should

I should make money.
I should lose weight.
I should eat better.
I should manage time better.
I should do my practices more.
I should pursue the career aspect of writing more.
I should clean the house.
I should be more energetic.
I should be happier.
I should be enlightened by now.
I should apply myself more.
I should stop using the word should.
I should be able to transcend my conditioning.

**
I choose not to make money right now; this meets my needs for autonomy, relaxation and detachment.

I choose not to focus on quantitative measures of health; this meets my needs for freedom and acceptance.

I choose to make intuitive choices about food, trusting my body to most fully utilize the food it takes in -- this meets my need for trust.

For the first six weeks of the year, I kept detailed plans and records of how I spent my time. I felt energized, enthusiastic and motivated which met my needs for vigor, effortlessness and movement. For a like number of weeks, I have not kept detailed plans and records of how I spend my time. I feel lethargic, defeated and hopeless -- my needs for development, expansion and authentic expression are not being fully met. Would I be willing to examine these two states without judging or comparing them?

(I am clinging to a moment when I felt discouraged, when I needed empathy and didn't receive it. When I think about that I feel sad because I want safety; when I think about needing empathy and not receiving it, I realize that my needs for safety are not being met. Would I be willing to ask for empathy about this issue?)

For a while I consistently had a daily practice; now my practice is not as consistent and/or if it is I am unaware of it since I have not been consistently tracking it. (See: time management above.) When I consistently did and acknowledged a practice, I felt satisfied and fulfilled -- it met my needs for safety, reliability, stability and acknowledgement. Would I be willing to write down the number of practices I do everyday and observe how I feel after doing so?

See number 1. I choose to write whatever I damn well please -- this meets my needs for expression, autonomy and freedom.

When my house is visually ordered I feel energized -- it meets my needs for stability, relaxation and order. Would I be willing to note the needs that are met by not cleaning the house? Not cleaning my house meets my needs for autonomy, relaxation and detachment. Would I be willing to acknowledge that one state is not "better" than the other, but rather meets different needs? Would I be willing to trust my intuitive impulses to direct my choices when I am in my house?

The more I move the more energy I have. The less I move the less energy I have. When I am open-heartedly engaged in moving my body, I feel energized, light and free -- it meets my needs for energy, enthusiasm, vigor and wellness. Would I be willing to focus on breathing more deeply during this coming week? Would I be willing to make a sign to hang in the livingroom to remind me to breathe?

There were many times in my life when my body produced the neurochemicals associated with happiness in much less abundance than now. I *am* happy motherfucker.

I have been working toward transcending conditioned reality since I was a young child; I have overcome many obstacles between then and now. Would I be willing to acknowledge my intermittent and continued participation in samsara with compassion? Would I be willing to let go of my competition/hierarchical based paradigms? Would I be willing to acknowledge that on some level all beings already are enlightened, that this bardic state is not the totality of reality and that the ending of suffering is inevitable? Would I be willing to remember that time is a construct? In that light, then, would I be willing to admit that I already am enlightened and all I am lacking is recognition and integration? In a nutshell: time and space have no real meaning -- there is no reason to rush or be impatient -- would I be wiling to relax and enjoy the ride? Yeah, ok.

When I read the things I have known for a long time or reflect upon the knowledge I have, I feel… confused -- my needs for actualization and authenticity are not being fully met. Would I be willing to keep track of my daily practices? Doing so would meet my needs for stability and integration.

When I use the word "should" I feel constricted and rebellious -- it does not meet my needs for autonomy, choice and freedom. Would I be willing, whenever I notice a "should" message, to remind myself that there is no such thing, that the meaning is illusory, empty? Would I be willing to view the word "should" as a culturally conditioned verbal cliché, as a concept devoid of meaning outside of the culture in which it was produced? Would I be willing to extend compassion to myself, and all beings, who are conditioned in the consciousness of should? Would I be willing to demonstrate, recognize and embrace my own innate autonomy when encountering the concept should?

Human beings are neurologically wired to become conditioned; I am a human being. When I think about the power of my conditioning, I feel fear -- it does not meet my needs for freedom and choice. Would I be willing to see my conditioning, not as something to be "gotten rid of," but as something to embrace and integrate? Would I be willing to see it as adaptive, as functional, and honor and appreciate all that it has done for me? Would I also be willing to acknowledge that I *have* transcended a portion of my conditioning? That I continue to push through resistance, even while generating more resistance? When I think of the times I have persevered when faced with obstacles, I feel…. grateful and secure -- it meets my needs for safety, stability and certainty.

Ahh…. that feels better. Should's are just so heavy, weight so much -- they nail my ass to the ground, and not in a fun way.

Jackalcare -- Resistance

I feel resistance to…. acting upon / employing the strategies that would lead to the fulfillment of my goals. It feels like a turning away from forward movement…. why? I feel torn in different directions; this is often indicative of internal ambivalence.

Are you feeling… pressure? to move forward? Do you feel…. unacknowledged? invisible? inadequate? Do you feel… powerful? autonomous? stuck?

I have this sensation of having made a choice I now regret but of wanting to avoid the regret so I cling to the choice. I likewise pretend that I am not aware that I am choosing to do this. I have other skills, now.

By resisting functional patterns I am trying to meet a need for choice and freedom. Ah…. it's because I judge the path with the functional patterns as "better," thus it doesn't feel like a choice -- my judgment that one path is superior precludes my ability to have my need for autonomy met in this interaction. Thus, the resistance.

Fuck you telling me my way is dysfunctional -- that word's already got a ring to it -- culturally, this is used as a judgment. Though I mean it strictly as "that which does not effectively led to the meeting of X need," it is still too culturally loaded for certain parts of my mind. Dysfunctional. Yeah. Bite me.

Are you feeling vulnerable? Are you feeling frightened because you need trust? Do you need reassurance? Would it be helpful for me to refocus on "integration" as a direction and examine the strategies of mine that are more based in "elimination" or "eradication?" Would I be willing to examine the dominator culture influences upon my assumptions? Would I be willing to accept that ALL parts of me have worked to the best of their ability to try to have my stated and believed needs met? Could I, perhaps, examine what a fine and functional job they did, especially given the circumstances? Would I acknowledge that I am, in fact, HERE, thus they must have done *something* that effectively led to having many of my needs met, thus my implied criticism in seeing other patterns as "better" is not only unnecessary or of benefit to me in any way, but also leads to constriction of certain parts of me. So why go there?

There is no point in wasting time judging -- it serves no purpose. If someday, for some reason, I decide that there is some purpose for putting it back on, I can. But for a while, I'd just as soon set it down any time I realize I'm holding it. Oh look -- judgment again -- now it's saying I should judge it for being there -- ah well -- set it aside….. bye bye! So, what am I feeling and needing right now? What needs was I trying to meet by employing the strategy of judgment?

I want to embrace functional habits that affirm life because I value health, vigor, fulfillment, joy, expression, abundance, openness, intimacy, wellness, sanity, safety, authenticity, liberation, etc.

I choose to embrace functional habits that affirm life because I value health, vigor, fulfillment, joy, expression, abundance, openness, intimacy, wellness, sanity, safety, authenticity, liberation, etc..

What specific things do I define as "functional habits"? Am I being too broad? Too specific? (Is clearing in order?) Functional habits:

Household order -- visual
Household order -- financial
Household order -- interpersonal/communication
Household order -- emotional stability
Household order -- conscious use of time

I'm seeing a theme -- is order in order? Am I needing order strongly right now? Is this one of those needs that I have, is largely unrecognized and chronically unmet? Hmm… that's a surprise. I feel overwhelmed because I have a need for order. Would I be willing to…. consciously create order once a day to consciously meet this unmet need?

Yes. I'd be willing to do that for one week, every day, and reassess next Sunday. Would that be pleasing to you?

Yes. If you would consciously create order once a day to consciously meet this chronically unmet need and then examine the effects, I would feel…… hopeful and satisfied -- it would meet my needs for safety and acceptance. How do you feel when you hear me say that?

I feel sad because I need safety and acceptance. [crying] When I reflect upon my judgments about my …. I have difficulty even finding a label that isn't judgmental…. manifestations of unmet needs I feel deep sadness, mourning -- grief but with a flavor to it that isn't sadness. I regret my evaluation because it did not meet my needs for safety and acceptance. Would I be willing to gently hold that pattern and examine it without evaluation?

I create a jackal feedback loop when I judge something and then judge myself for judging it, etc., etc.. As a practice I'm going to try to drop evaluation from my menu for a while, just so see how I feel if I don't eat any for a while. It might be fine to add some back into my diet, but when I reflect upon how many times I felt ill after eating this particular menu item, I think that it might be efficacious for me to experiment with not ordering it for a time to see how I feel. I have no judgment of having ordered it in the past, but now, now that I'm observing my reaction to it, I am willing to experiment with a short-term elimination diet to note the effects.

Jackals In March

I had planned to stay at home while R took the kids to the library; I was planning to take my first walk (for fitness) since before my surgery in August. I was feeling excited and enthusiastic about the prospect of walking -- thinking about it met my needs for progress and health.

As R got in the van, M asked if I was going along and indicated that she would like me to; R asked if I wanted to go along or if I needed a break. I felt….. ambivalent, torn, confused, anxious…. I was wanting a moment to think with no one talking. My stomach knotted up, my chest felt constricted. I felt anger in the center of my forehead (it still hurts) and my heartspace closed like a fist around hot coals. I said things that were not in line with my values that I don’t remember very clearly. I got out of the van, closed the door, dropped my phone. Got back in, wiped off phone, said more unclear things about just doing what everyone else wanted me to do. R drove around the block; M encouraged me to say my "happy words" (which I did) and suggested I go for my walk. R and I talked; I decided to have him drop me off. I took a walk.

When the possibility of me going along to the library was mentioned, I felt confused and anxious because I needed stability and trust.

When my request for "a moment of silence" was not granted (demand) I felt irritated and overwhelmed because I needed peace and stability.

When I felt the physical and emotional sensations in my body I assessed them as strong; I felt afraid and vulnerable because I need safety and peace.

When I was saying jackal words, I felt sad and disappointed because I value safety, love and acceptance.

When I decided to go back home and take my walk, I felt calm and relieved because I value sanity, trust and wellness.

When I took my walk, I felt elated -- it met my needs for autonomy, care, health and integrity.

***
What I wish had happened:

When M told me that she couldn't be quiet, I wish that I had calmly gotten out of the van and said "I need a moment." I would have liked to have taken a few deep breaths, checked in with myself, assessed how I was feeling, listen for the jackal voice and empathize with it, said my affirmations/dedications in my head before either 1) making a decision or 2) getting back in the van to discuss it further.

OR

When M and R initially asked about the possibility of me going to the library, I wish that I had heard these as invitations, as questions, rather than implied obligations or demands. If I had been fully conscious of my own autonomy and conscious of the feelings/needs they were expressing, I might have heard this as a question (it wasn't even a request -- just a "would you like to stay or go?" question) and simply said "I'd prefer to stay here." I had on jackal ears -- I heard a demand instead of a question; my "should" thinking kicked in.

When I thought in terms of "should," I felt constricted, uncomfortable and explosive because I need autonomy, freedom and choice. The next time I find myself reacting this way, would I be willing to take a moment to look for my own should thinking? Would I be willing to take a moment (see above) and empathize with myself / discover the true source of my feelings before continuing the interaction with another being(s)?

Unskillful Strategy: By saying things that are not in line with my values I was attempting to meet my needs for autonomy, health and freedom.

When I think of myself needing autonomy, health and freedom and not employing a strategy that was in line with my values, I feel compassion because I value peace and bliss. Would I be willing to stop for a moment and physically hug myself?

Yes.

This has been a deeply moving spiritual experience for me: I feel appreciation for myself for stepping all the way through the process, in writing -- this meets my needs for compassion, empathy, love, liberation, peace and encouragement. Would I be willing to tell me how I feel when I hear me say that?

I feel… giddy. This appreciation meets my needs for understanding, empathy, visibility and hope. Would I be willing to continue writing out the interactions that I regret until I have fully expressed them, transcended and healed them? Would I be willing to fully embrace the jackal with acceptance and love when I find it within me?

Yes. Ah… this meets my needs for clarity and direction.

Ready
Set
Go
!