Fyshmom's Adventures In NVC

Politics and Empathy

2008-08-31T19:58:00.000-07:00

When you hear people using language in accusatory, blame-oriented ways surrounding politics, do you feel sad and disappointed? Would you like to see more peace and understanding surrounding political debate? More unity and friendliness? Respect? Do you feel pessimistic that these needs will be met regarding politics any time in the near future? Are you seeking ways to view these dynamics that will meet your needs for peace, despite how others may choose to engage?

I do resonate with the sadness you feel surrounding this, and have myself experienced discomfort and disappointment with the way that politics are discussed in our culture. (This was an issue for me four years ago with the last election, i.e. the only one I ever consciously paid attention to. It was an experiment. :<)) My practice with this has been to use it as an opportunity to practice empathy. A couple of years ago when I was working on developing more empathy toward others, especially those with whom I most strongly disagree, I would read or listen to their words looking for feelings and needs. Pretty much no one in our culture has been taught how to communicate in nonviolent ways -- they are expressing themselves as best they know how.

I have learned to automatically empathize when I hear angry words, accusations, blame, etc. Often, there are underlying feelings of fear, disappointment, mourning, anguish, a need for security, safety, connection, unity -- all needs that I can identify with. Culturally, we are taught to focus on strategies and argue over those, rather than understand or even have knowledge about the underlying needs we are trying to meet with those strategies. It is tragic that the very same needs that are at stake are often the ones least likely to be met by this way of dialoging, which brings up a great compassion within me for the suffering that motivates this type of dialog, and likewise results from it.

I do not know if this alleviates sadness, but I am okay with sadness. Compassion sometimes feels like a combination of sad, joy, and love all mixed together, and I am fulfilled by that feeling -- it meets my needs for connection, community, openness, and understanding. Anger, irritation, alienation, disconnection, etc., on the other hand, did NOT meet my needs -- I found these feelings alienating and unfulfilling, thus my commitment and practice of hearing the feelings and needs behind this kind of jackal dialog and translating it a way that allows me to feel connection, understanding, compassion, and unity with all people, even when I disagree with them, and even when they are expressing themselves in an angry or aggressive way. (Or in very long sentences.)

I actually sought out this kind of jackal dialog, because in my day to day life it really doesn't exit. I don't watch television and haven't for about twenty years, so I don't see the level and frequency of argumentation and name-calling that I am sure exists there. I don't find it fulfilling to innundate my life with these dynamics, thus I very consciously choose what stimuli I am exposed to and surround myself with. While I can empathize and understand these dynamics, at the same time, I do not necessarily want them screaming at me from my living room on a daily basis -- this would not meet my needs for peace and harmony within my home. Nevertheless, I am occasionally presented with the type of political debating you mention, and when I am (or when I seek it out to practice) I stay in empathy, which allows me to maintain my peace, regardless of circumstances.

Another strategy I have employed when people in my life bring up politics in a face to face conversation is to let them know, rather quickly, that I don't discuss politics. (Sometimes referred to as "interrupting giraffe" in NVC.) I have my own political views, and support those who wish to and enjoy debate, but I do not find this fulfilling, thus I have no interest in engaging in that activity. To date, I have yet to have anyone be offended, though I have had people verbally acknowledge what I said, and then go on to try to continue the conversation anyway. I empathize with how they are feeling (it is usually pretty obvious in the first sentence or two), then remind them that I have no interest in discussing politics. If it happens a third time (which has only happened once) I'll excuse myself and walk away. At this point, I might be able to tolerate a longer discussion, as long as I stayed in empathy, but largely it is just a subject I don't find fulfilling to discuss, thus I am not interested in engaging in it -- I am at peace with making that preference clear.

Correction: Reality, Self & Storylines

2008-07-13T12:42:00.000-07:00

To all those present at yesterday's meeting, particularly the Dancefloor exercise portion afterward, I have a "correction" to make about something that I said. I misspoke, or rather spoke about a topic in a way that didn't give enough background information, and thus later I had a concern that my words could / would be taken to mean something that I didn't actually intend. As this does not meet my needs for authenticity or clarity, I decided to clarify what I meant.

We were talking about the stories we tell ourselves regarding who we are or events of the past. I mentioned my modality, when I realize I am engaged in an egoic narrative, of having my mind create several stories, to take away the clinging to or power of one particular narrative. I then said something to the effect that all identity is a story line, that which story one picks is almost arbitrary, so why not pick one that is life-affirming? One that allows our needs to be met?

This sounds to me, in retrospect, as though I am advocating telling stories about one's self that might, perhaps, just put one in the "best" light possible, or implying that what is "real" about one's self is arbitrary and based solely on what one creates in one's mind, or that the story we tell ourselves is created by either our jackal or self-defender voice, so why not pick the self-defender? NONE OF THESE THINGS IS WHAT I ACTUALLY MEANT. I realized, in retrospect, that this is what my words "sounded like" or implied, which did not meet my needs for clarity or authenticity since this is not what I actually believe or have experienced to be true. To me, ANY story that polarizes our beliefs about right / wrong, my side / their side, good / bad, etc., leads to a constricting and impartial view of reality, so that is not at all what I meant. I also don't see a benefit to "kidding one's self" about who one really is, or just telling stories that one finds pleasant to believe, or in any way deluding one's self about the nature of the self or reality.

What I *do* believe is that as we transcend a lot of these conditioned patterns / stories where we are either the victim (self-defender side) or the bad guy (jackal side) that we can gain greater expansiveness and clarity about who we really are. I believe that people have an inherent nature (in my spiritual tradition they call it "awakened heart-mind") that is clear of obscurations (i.e. the conditioned jackal responses to life that translate into ineffective strategies and suffering) and "at one" with all of existence. To me, as we take off the stories, conditioned narratives, and ego reinforcing beliefs, we become more and more in touch with that clear and expansive center.

What I advocate is finding that center and supporting it, by letting go of the stories that reinforce us staying in a state of suffering, that keep us from having our needs met. I advocate letting go of belief systems (read: stories) that repeatedly tie us to the jackal/self-defender version of reality and allow us to expand into a reality of interconnection, peace, compassion and equanimity. I mentioned that, as a writer, I grasp how much of identity is constructed (as I am my primary topic of textual study and write as approximately seven different people), but was not implying that I invent or "lie about" who I really am when I write. The opposite is actually true -- I feel freer, more expansive, more authentic, more honest, when I write than when I speak. (My verbal language has been more strongly conditioned than my written language.) There are a million ways to view the same information, the same reality, the same stimulus -- why not consciously choose perceptions that lead closer and closer to ultimate expansion and union with the All? Why continue to choose stories that are self-limiting, that lead to suffering, that constrict and confine our potential for bliss, fulfillment, peace, actualization and liberation? We have a choice -- it is our mind -- it is our relationship with reality.

That is more what I meant.

This meets my need for clarity, communication and authenticity. Thank you for reading / listening.

Constrictive Giving

2007-10-23T01:09:00.000-07:00

I am noting in myself today a resistance to giving, a holding back, a lethargy, a clinging -- this does not meet my needs for flow and energy. Throughout the day, I often feel tired, heavy, unenergetic -- this coincides with my resistance to giving. I seem to believe that if I give with energy, I won't have any left, when in fact the opposite is true.

I know from experience that open-handed giving leads to an increase of energy, not a decrease. Giving from the heart is a positive feedback loop -- as one gives, one also receives. Constrictive giving, however, expends more energy than it creates -- the giving is difficult and one receives nothing.

I noted an overlap of this idea in my movement class tonight as we experimented with free flow and bound or constrictive flow. The former led to effortless flowing movement; the latter led to a great expenditure of energy with very little return. It also seemed to segment the body, causing parts of it to feel cut off.

This same principle applies to giving -- in the natural yield and push dynamic, there is easy, effortless flow of energy of all types. The constricted state leads to instant exhaustion and discouragement -- it doesn't feel good, so there is very little impetus to continue moving.

So much of my energy has been bound up in this dynamic, of gripping, constrictive energy that has a difficult time comfortably manifesting in the world. I endeavor to be more fully aware of the natural flow of energy in and through my body, to yield and push, to ground and float, to receive and give love. Total, persistent and in the moment connection to this rhythm of reality is my focus.

Tomorrow I will endeavor to remember this.

Exorcise

2007-07-15T16:01:00.000-07:00

6. Receive empathy from yourself and/or another person until you experience a shift.

*******************

Silent empathy does not meet my need for empathy. I feel disappointed and… incomplete. Alienated and numb. Disconnected. My needs for empathy were not met. If I had it to do over again, I would have sat quietly alone and given myself empathy -- this would have more fully met my needs.

I feel…. empty. Alone. But these things do not feel alienating. I feel centered, grounded, complete within my incompleteness. I trust that I have everything within me to process this. Would I be willing to work with this some more?

I fought the urge to run, to just pick up my stuff and leave right before the end of the workshop. I felt alternately numb and emotionally overwhelmed, disconnected and alienated. Terminally unique, as one participant so aptly put it. I felt…. invisible, unseen, ununderstood, unknowable. I feel anguish right now; my needs for connection and empathy were not met.

But what is in this to learn? Something…. something that "looks like" an old jackal view I once had, but is different, transformed somehow -- I see the same landscape of isolation from a different level, one that acknowledges the interconnectedness of all things/beings, which recognizes the universality of feelings and needs, but one which also accepts the uniqueness of each individual experience.

Maybe this comes from a chronic unmet need for empathy -- though I know those who can provide that empathy, I seem to ask for it from those who can't. (Today, even randomly so, by accident.) What do I learn? That self-empathy is key for me, that I might be better served to offer it to myself rather than seek it / rely upon it from external sources.

I discovered in myself, underneath the strongest, most toxic, vicious jackal voice, a previously unvoiced need for congruity, for reality to stabilize, to not "sneak up on me" with painful and unexpected messages of hatred and blame. This will never happen -- it is a need that cannot and will not be met. I mourn this and accept it peacefully, if somewhat tearfully.

That acceptance seems to open up a space inside of me, to ground me more strongly and firmly than I have heretofore experienced that sensation. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I didn't want to interact. I didn't want to put on my personality. I didn't want to communicate. I just wanted to keep steady with the tides of sensation, to resist the urge to run, to resist my resistance.

If I had had actual, verbal empathy, perhaps I would have processed this to a different place. I realized the potential to feel disappointment over that, but stayed on the ride without bias to see where it would go.

I have no idea where it has gone. I have no idea where I am. I have no idea who I am. Luckily, I can easily accept this -- it is not the first time that parts of My Self have disappeared suddenly, so it doesn't cause alarm. I feel…. hopeful, adventurous -- this meets my needs for exploration and discovery, for practice, for ease within emptiness.

I also feel sad, mourning. I generally feel connected to others, if somewhat uncertain at times, depending upon the intensity of my jackal. Now… now I feel inorganic, object-like, solid but apart. My drive to benefit or interact with others is gone -- I think this is a positive. Benefiting implies helping; helping implies changing; changing implies judgment. I'd rather not care. I'd rather not judge. I'd rather be this rock.

For now.

Linguistic Resistance

2007-04-03T00:15:00.000-07:00

I am observing two things:

* The more I integrate NVC into my life, the more my needs are met on a regular basis.

* I observe myself multiple times a day using life-alienating language, especially phrases which would fall under the heading "denial of responsibility." I am often cognitively aware that I am about to do this before I speak and note my choice of phrase:

"I need something out of the kitchen."

"I have to get up."

"You need to put on pajamas."

Sigh. When I note this linguistic style, I feel disheartened -- it does not meet my needs for autonomy and freedom. Though I am puzzled…. I *do* have a choice in that I often note myself about to say something like this, so what is up with that?

Would you be willing to examine what needs of yours are being met by employing conditioned methods of speaking? Um, sure….

Let's see… what needs are met by saying "I need" and "I have to," which are the two most common? (I rarely say "I should," for which I am grateful.) Hmm….. using habituated language meets my needs for ease and simplicity… and mastery? I am "good at" speaking like that -- it is what I'm used to.

On the other hand, if I were to choose to use a different phrase -- I'm getting something from the kitchen; I would like to get up; Would you be willing to put on your pajamas? Hmm….. in translating these things, it really doesn't seem all that daunting or difficult to say it differently -- that really didn't require much thought -- it really feels indicative of an attitude. What is the attitude?

When I say "need to" and "have to," it seems to carry more weight, as if my desires are somehow more important if they are phrased that way. Do I believe that my desires are more likely to happen or meet with less resistance if I phrase them in a way that they sound inevitable, or as if I don't have a choice in the matter? As if they *MUST* happen?

When I consider the implications of phrasing things this way I feel…. like wrinkling my nose…. is that mild disgust? It doesn't meet my needs for honesty or autonomy. Would I be willing to experiment with using other phrases tomorrow?

I feel hopeful about this -- I had thought I was phrasing things "the old way" because it would be too difficult to figure out how to say them another way, but I see in writing this / thinking about alternatives that that isn't true -- it was just an assumption. There is a lingering fear that my needs won't be met if I phrase things without the "denial of responsibility" words, but the only way I will find that out is through experimentation. Would I be willing to work with the fear of my needs not being met to see whether or not that is actually the case?

Yep, I think so.

Would I also be willing to try to maintain a relaxed, observational attitude during the experiment and avoid judging any instances of conditioned phraseology? Yes, I would. Having that attitude meets my needs for safety, reassurance and playful exploration.

I am curious how this will go, how my requests or announcements of intention will be received if I word them differently. Hmm…. we'll see, we'll see…..

Evaluation, Projection and Empathy

2007-04-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

I am noticing a change in me, in the way that I evaluate situations between other people.

Historically, whenever I've see someone being violent toward someone else (usually an adult being violent to a child) I've responded by feeling angry and/or violent toward the adult. I definitely judge(d) the adult's actions as "wrong" and had strong urges to "even the score," so to speak. Because I have a history of physical violence, the possibility of me actually carrying out this impulse is/was quite high. (I've done it before.) Thus, this is an area I've been examining.

I had the opportunity to compare two very similar situations this past weekend, both involving me witnessing violence toward children. I found my reactions interesting and noted how I felt after each one.

The first situation occurred in a parking lot of a restaurant we had just eaten dinner at on Friday evening. We were walking to our van (after taking a walk around the building twice) when I heard a woman yelling "Stop!" I saw a girl, probably about four years old, running across the parking lot. There was a car coming, and it stopped quickly. The mother (ostensibly) dove toward the child and missed her, then fell and rolled, spilling her drink on the ground.

When she got up, she started yelling at the girl and hitting her -- I think she hit her three or four times. The father (ostensibly) scooped the child up and said something to the mother I couldn't hear. Then the mother started yelling at the man, indicating by her words that he disagreed with her choice to hit their daughter.

Seeing this triggered a strong chemical response in me, first from the potential of seeing a child run over by a car, then by seeing a woman fall and be potentially injured, then from seeing a child hit repeatedly. I felt a huge chemical / emotional surge that I would have a difficult time labeling -- I felt a sense of heightened alertness and was ready to "spring" to whatever action might have been necessary or appropriate. When the chemical intensity had died down enough to register any particular emotion, I felt sad and upset -- my needs for safety had not been met.

My "action urge" was to approach the woman, ascertain if she was okay physically, and then hit her as hard as I could in the face with my shoe. (This was very specific -- I didn't want to bruise my knuckles and knew that if I hit her with my hand as hard as I wanted, I would injure myself.) My thinking was as follows: Her daughter did something that did not meet her needs for safety and she became upset. Her reaction was to hit her daughter. Seeing that did not meet my needs for safety and I became upset, thus my reaction was to hit her. If these things are not different, then how could she be upset with my assault? How as it different from her own?

Luckily, I only had a strong urge to do this, and instead of acting on that urge, I herded my kids into the van and tried to reassure them -- hearing another child crying was not meeting their needs for safety.

Afterward, I felt on the brink of losing my temper for about ten minutes. I felt…edgy, anxious, sad, disappointed. My needs for safety were not met. My brain had produced the chemicals to support a state of rapid action, thus I felt strong urges to DO some sort of action, but nothing I could think of was appropriate / in line with my values. After a while, the feeling passed -- I consciously became involved in other activities and went on about my night.

The next day I was shopping and heard an exchange between a woman and (ostensibly) her daughter, who was about eight years old. I couldn't hear what the girl said, but could hear the mother's side of the conversation clearly. The mother said that she had told the girl to go to the bathroom before they left the house, so she was just going to have to hold it. The girl said something else, then the mother told her she would "tear her up" with a belt if she wet her pants and reiterated that she would have to hold it until they got home.

My first response was anger, but since I am working with that, I immediately examined what was underneath the anger. I felt…. sad, anguish -- my needs for safety, respect, wellness and equality were not being met. I had a palpable chemical reaction and started crying. I considered offering to walk the girl to the bathroom, but hesitated long enough that they moved on and I didn't see them anymore.

I wrestled with anger for a few moments, feeling the familiar sensation of judgment and should thinking about the mother. I felt so sad, sick to my stomach. I also wrestled with my own guilt at not doing something to help the situation, of my conditioning that tells me I "shouldn't" do anything. I also felt confusion and uncertainty and wanted clarity about how I would have liked to have acted in that situation.

I felt empathy for the girl -- did she feel afraid? Embarrassed? Did she need safety and acknowledgement? Autonomy? Respect?

Then I was able to empathize with the mother -- did she feel overwhelmed? Irritated? Was she needing support, rest, ease? (Then, had I been able to get to this place quicker…) Would she be willing to allow me to take her daughter to the restroom while she took a short break?

This situation lingered in my consciousness longer than the one the night before, and when I examined why, I realized that it was because the father intervening and comforting his daughter did partially meet my needs for safety. The story I projected onto that family is that this was an extreme situation, that hitting their child was not what they did as a matter of course, and thus my safety needs were partially met.

The interaction in the store lingered more, in that none of my needs for safety were met. The story I projected onto that family was one where this was how they usually spoke to one another, that this child was probably subjected to this sort of violent language and actions on a regular basis.

On the other hand, I felt less anger in the second case, meaning that because I was able to feel empathy for the mother as well as the daughter, I also felt compassion for her as well. I saw her overwhelmed, angry outburst as the manifestation of all mothers who don't get the support and help they need, who don't know any other way to release their hurt and frustrated emotions, who were probably also spoken to and treated the same way as children. I saw here as part of the larger society, as another example of the violence that is inherent in a disconnected, closed-hearted society.

Half an hour later, I found myself still feeling down, heavy, bummed out -- my needs for resolution and empathy had not been met. Thus I sat down and processed, sorted through all of my feelings and needs, empathized with all parties involved. I also realized / wrote, "My suffering will never minimize the suffering of another," and knew that it was true. Compassion is not suffering, though if the heart-space emotions aren't fully acknowledged and felt fully (i.e. resisted and thus grasped) then suffering occurs.

And wrote some more about it here……
http://www.chaos_monkey.blogspot.com/

Translation - should

2007-03-25T16:32:00.001-07:00

I should make money.
I should lose weight.
I should eat better.
I should manage time better.
I should do my practices more.
I should pursue the career aspect of writing more.
I should clean the house.
I should be more energetic.
I should be happier.
I should be enlightened by now.
I should apply myself more.
I should stop using the word should.
I should be able to transcend my conditioning.

**
I choose not to make money right now; this meets my needs for autonomy, relaxation and detachment.

I choose not to focus on quantitative measures of health; this meets my needs for freedom and acceptance.

I choose to make intuitive choices about food, trusting my body to most fully utilize the food it takes in -- this meets my need for trust.

For the first six weeks of the year, I kept detailed plans and records of how I spent my time. I felt energized, enthusiastic and motivated which met my needs for vigor, effortlessness and movement. For a like number of weeks, I have not kept detailed plans and records of how I spend my time. I feel lethargic, defeated and hopeless -- my needs for development, expansion and authentic expression are not being fully met. Would I be willing to examine these two states without judging or comparing them?

(I am clinging to a moment when I felt discouraged, when I needed empathy and didn't receive it. When I think about that I feel sad because I want safety; when I think about needing empathy and not receiving it, I realize that my needs for safety are not being met. Would I be willing to ask for empathy about this issue?)

For a while I consistently had a daily practice; now my practice is not as consistent and/or if it is I am unaware of it since I have not been consistently tracking it. (See: time management above.) When I consistently did and acknowledged a practice, I felt satisfied and fulfilled -- it met my needs for safety, reliability, stability and acknowledgement. Would I be willing to write down the number of practices I do everyday and observe how I feel after doing so?

See number 1. I choose to write whatever I damn well please -- this meets my needs for expression, autonomy and freedom.

When my house is visually ordered I feel energized -- it meets my needs for stability, relaxation and order. Would I be willing to note the needs that are met by not cleaning the house? Not cleaning my house meets my needs for autonomy, relaxation and detachment. Would I be willing to acknowledge that one state is not "better" than the other, but rather meets different needs? Would I be willing to trust my intuitive impulses to direct my choices when I am in my house?

The more I move the more energy I have. The less I move the less energy I have. When I am open-heartedly engaged in moving my body, I feel energized, light and free -- it meets my needs for energy, enthusiasm, vigor and wellness. Would I be willing to focus on breathing more deeply during this coming week? Would I be willing to make a sign to hang in the livingroom to remind me to breathe?

There were many times in my life when my body produced the neurochemicals associated with happiness in much less abundance than now. I *am* happy motherfucker.

I have been working toward transcending conditioned reality since I was a young child; I have overcome many obstacles between then and now. Would I be willing to acknowledge my intermittent and continued participation in samsara with compassion? Would I be willing to let go of my competition/hierarchical based paradigms? Would I be willing to acknowledge that on some level all beings already are enlightened, that this bardic state is not the totality of reality and that the ending of suffering is inevitable? Would I be willing to remember that time is a construct? In that light, then, would I be willing to admit that I already am enlightened and all I am lacking is recognition and integration? In a nutshell: time and space have no real meaning -- there is no reason to rush or be impatient -- would I be wiling to relax and enjoy the ride? Yeah, ok.

When I read the things I have known for a long time or reflect upon the knowledge I have, I feel… confused -- my needs for actualization and authenticity are not being fully met. Would I be willing to keep track of my daily practices? Doing so would meet my needs for stability and integration.

When I use the word "should" I feel constricted and rebellious -- it does not meet my needs for autonomy, choice and freedom. Would I be willing, whenever I notice a "should" message, to remind myself that there is no such thing, that the meaning is illusory, empty? Would I be willing to view the word "should" as a culturally conditioned verbal cliché, as a concept devoid of meaning outside of the culture in which it was produced? Would I be willing to extend compassion to myself, and all beings, who are conditioned in the consciousness of should? Would I be willing to demonstrate, recognize and embrace my own innate autonomy when encountering the concept should?

Human beings are neurologically wired to become conditioned; I am a human being. When I think about the power of my conditioning, I feel fear -- it does not meet my needs for freedom and choice. Would I be willing to see my conditioning, not as something to be "gotten rid of," but as something to embrace and integrate? Would I be willing to see it as adaptive, as functional, and honor and appreciate all that it has done for me? Would I also be willing to acknowledge that I *have* transcended a portion of my conditioning? That I continue to push through resistance, even while generating more resistance? When I think of the times I have persevered when faced with obstacles, I feel…. grateful and secure -- it meets my needs for safety, stability and certainty.

Ahh…. that feels better. Should's are just so heavy, weight so much -- they nail my ass to the ground, and not in a fun way.

Jackalcare -- Resistance

2007-03-24T15:28:00.000-07:00

I feel resistance to…. acting upon / employing the strategies that would lead to the fulfillment of my goals. It feels like a turning away from forward movement…. why? I feel torn in different directions; this is often indicative of internal ambivalence.

Are you feeling… pressure? to move forward? Do you feel…. unacknowledged? invisible? inadequate? Do you feel… powerful? autonomous? stuck?

I have this sensation of having made a choice I now regret but of wanting to avoid the regret so I cling to the choice. I likewise pretend that I am not aware that I am choosing to do this. I have other skills, now.

By resisting functional patterns I am trying to meet a need for choice and freedom. Ah…. it's because I judge the path with the functional patterns as "better," thus it doesn't feel like a choice -- my judgment that one path is superior precludes my ability to have my need for autonomy met in this interaction. Thus, the resistance.

Fuck you telling me my way is dysfunctional -- that word's already got a ring to it -- culturally, this is used as a judgment. Though I mean it strictly as "that which does not effectively led to the meeting of X need," it is still too culturally loaded for certain parts of my mind. Dysfunctional. Yeah. Bite me.

Are you feeling vulnerable? Are you feeling frightened because you need trust? Do you need reassurance? Would it be helpful for me to refocus on "integration" as a direction and examine the strategies of mine that are more based in "elimination" or "eradication?" Would I be willing to examine the dominator culture influences upon my assumptions? Would I be willing to accept that ALL parts of me have worked to the best of their ability to try to have my stated and believed needs met? Could I, perhaps, examine what a fine and functional job they did, especially given the circumstances? Would I acknowledge that I am, in fact, HERE, thus they must have done *something* that effectively led to having many of my needs met, thus my implied criticism in seeing other patterns as "better" is not only unnecessary or of benefit to me in any way, but also leads to constriction of certain parts of me. So why go there?

There is no point in wasting time judging -- it serves no purpose. If someday, for some reason, I decide that there is some purpose for putting it back on, I can. But for a while, I'd just as soon set it down any time I realize I'm holding it. Oh look -- judgment again -- now it's saying I should judge it for being there -- ah well -- set it aside….. bye bye! So, what am I feeling and needing right now? What needs was I trying to meet by employing the strategy of judgment?

I want to embrace functional habits that affirm life because I value health, vigor, fulfillment, joy, expression, abundance, openness, intimacy, wellness, sanity, safety, authenticity, liberation, etc.

I choose to embrace functional habits that affirm life because I value health, vigor, fulfillment, joy, expression, abundance, openness, intimacy, wellness, sanity, safety, authenticity, liberation, etc..

What specific things do I define as "functional habits"? Am I being too broad? Too specific? (Is clearing in order?) Functional habits:

Household order -- visual
Household order -- financial
Household order -- interpersonal/communication
Household order -- emotional stability
Household order -- conscious use of time

I'm seeing a theme -- is order in order? Am I needing order strongly right now? Is this one of those needs that I have, is largely unrecognized and chronically unmet? Hmm… that's a surprise. I feel overwhelmed because I have a need for order. Would I be willing to…. consciously create order once a day to consciously meet this unmet need?

Yes. I'd be willing to do that for one week, every day, and reassess next Sunday. Would that be pleasing to you?

Yes. If you would consciously create order once a day to consciously meet this chronically unmet need and then examine the effects, I would feel…… hopeful and satisfied -- it would meet my needs for safety and acceptance. How do you feel when you hear me say that?

I feel sad because I need safety and acceptance. [crying] When I reflect upon my judgments about my …. I have difficulty even finding a label that isn't judgmental…. manifestations of unmet needs I feel deep sadness, mourning -- grief but with a flavor to it that isn't sadness. I regret my evaluation because it did not meet my needs for safety and acceptance. Would I be willing to gently hold that pattern and examine it without evaluation?

I create a jackal feedback loop when I judge something and then judge myself for judging it, etc., etc.. As a practice I'm going to try to drop evaluation from my menu for a while, just so see how I feel if I don't eat any for a while. It might be fine to add some back into my diet, but when I reflect upon how many times I felt ill after eating this particular menu item, I think that it might be efficacious for me to experiment with not ordering it for a time to see how I feel. I have no judgment of having ordered it in the past, but now, now that I'm observing my reaction to it, I am willing to experiment with a short-term elimination diet to note the effects.

Jackals In March

2007-03-24T15:15:00.000-07:00

I had planned to stay at home while R took the kids to the library; I was planning to take my first walk (for fitness) since before my surgery in August. I was feeling excited and enthusiastic about the prospect of walking -- thinking about it met my needs for progress and health.

As R got in the van, M asked if I was going along and indicated that she would like me to; R asked if I wanted to go along or if I needed a break. I felt….. ambivalent, torn, confused, anxious…. I was wanting a moment to think with no one talking. My stomach knotted up, my chest felt constricted. I felt anger in the center of my forehead (it still hurts) and my heartspace closed like a fist around hot coals. I said things that were not in line with my values that I don’t remember very clearly. I got out of the van, closed the door, dropped my phone. Got back in, wiped off phone, said more unclear things about just doing what everyone else wanted me to do. R drove around the block; M encouraged me to say my "happy words" (which I did) and suggested I go for my walk. R and I talked; I decided to have him drop me off. I took a walk.

When the possibility of me going along to the library was mentioned, I felt confused and anxious because I needed stability and trust.

When my request for "a moment of silence" was not granted (demand) I felt irritated and overwhelmed because I needed peace and stability.

When I felt the physical and emotional sensations in my body I assessed them as strong; I felt afraid and vulnerable because I need safety and peace.

When I was saying jackal words, I felt sad and disappointed because I value safety, love and acceptance.

When I decided to go back home and take my walk, I felt calm and relieved because I value sanity, trust and wellness.

When I took my walk, I felt elated -- it met my needs for autonomy, care, health and integrity.

***
What I wish had happened:

When M told me that she couldn't be quiet, I wish that I had calmly gotten out of the van and said "I need a moment." I would have liked to have taken a few deep breaths, checked in with myself, assessed how I was feeling, listen for the jackal voice and empathize with it, said my affirmations/dedications in my head before either 1) making a decision or 2) getting back in the van to discuss it further.

OR

When M and R initially asked about the possibility of me going to the library, I wish that I had heard these as invitations, as questions, rather than implied obligations or demands. If I had been fully conscious of my own autonomy and conscious of the feelings/needs they were expressing, I might have heard this as a question (it wasn't even a request -- just a "would you like to stay or go?" question) and simply said "I'd prefer to stay here." I had on jackal ears -- I heard a demand instead of a question; my "should" thinking kicked in.

When I thought in terms of "should," I felt constricted, uncomfortable and explosive because I need autonomy, freedom and choice. The next time I find myself reacting this way, would I be willing to take a moment to look for my own should thinking? Would I be willing to take a moment (see above) and empathize with myself / discover the true source of my feelings before continuing the interaction with another being(s)?

Unskillful Strategy: By saying things that are not in line with my values I was attempting to meet my needs for autonomy, health and freedom.

When I think of myself needing autonomy, health and freedom and not employing a strategy that was in line with my values, I feel compassion because I value peace and bliss. Would I be willing to stop for a moment and physically hug myself?

Yes.

This has been a deeply moving spiritual experience for me: I feel appreciation for myself for stepping all the way through the process, in writing -- this meets my needs for compassion, empathy, love, liberation, peace and encouragement. Would I be willing to tell me how I feel when I hear me say that?

I feel… giddy. This appreciation meets my needs for understanding, empathy, visibility and hope. Would I be willing to continue writing out the interactions that I regret until I have fully expressed them, transcended and healed them? Would I be willing to fully embrace the jackal with acceptance and love when I find it within me?

Yes. Ah… this meets my needs for clarity and direction.

Ready
Set
Go
!

Doo-Doo's And Empathy

2006-08-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

In working through one of the NVC chapters on empathy, there is a list of "doo-doo's" or common conversational strategies that people often employ rather than using empathy in response to another person expressing their feelings. This list includes educating, advising, story-telling, sympathizing, one-upping, consoling, interrogating, explaining and correcting. They are called "doo-doo's" because they are tactics which involving DOING something in response to someone else's feelings, rather than using empathy, which is more a technique of just BEING there, totally present, to hear the experience of another.

Over the past several months as I have been studying NVC, I have become more and more aware of my conversational habits and have started to question whether or not those habits are actually in line with my values. Even prior to reading this list, I had become somewhat uncomfortable with some of my conversations, feeling that there are situations that feel "scripted" for lack of a better term. It seems that there are times when I just know what I am "supposed" to say in response to someone else's feelings, and that I am responding more out of habit and expectation than out of authenticity and honesty.

One exercise that we did for this chapter involved questioning what "doo-doo's" we most commonly used and to bring some of those conversations to mind. It was very easy for me to identify my doo-doo's.... here is what I wrote in response to the question:

"Educating, advising and story-telling are the three big ones for me. I often combine them into one conversational technique, i.e. I tell a story of my own experience that has elements of educating and advising in it, but because it is about *me* it is not intended to change or alter the other person's behavior -- it is just the story of what I have done or seen in a similar situation. I do this because my experience is the only one of which I can speak -- though it relates to their experience and may be similar, I cannot speak directly about their experience because it is not mine to speak of. This seems to be helpful to people, though I try to be cognizant to fully empathize with them and show my understanding of them first.

"The 'trap' that I often find myself falling into is saying what I know that they expect / want me to say. For instance, giving sympathy if that seems to be what they want. I am trying to consciously avoid this because I do not think that a lot of our culturally conditioned and scripted conversations are as healthy or beneficial as they could be. Though the person might expect or desire advice or sympathy, perhaps what they actually *need* is empathy.

"I am much better about consciously choosing empathy in written conversation or in person. However, on the telephone especially I easily fall into what I perceive as expected or desired of me. I am painfully aware of this, even as I hear myself do it."

This proclivity in me has been driving me crazy for some time now, and especially now that I have a more effective tool (empathy) I have tried and tried to change it. There are some things in conversation that I know are expected of me that I am not willing to do, that I actually have success in having boundaries about. One is giving direct advice, i.e. saying what I think the other person "should" do -- I flat out refuse to do that when I am asked because I have no idea what someone else should or should not do and am not comfortable pretending otherwise.

The other is offering an opinion, saying in a situation (for instance) who I think is "right" and "wrong," or if I think that the person is making the right decision. Generally, I don't even form opinions about other people and what they are doing, thus I am not "withholding" my opinion -- I genuinely don't have one, nor am I willing to form one if asked.

But some other things.... well, I just sort of fall into it, knowing that I am expected to sympathize, console, etc.. And I'm not saying that there is anything "wrong" with doing these things, but rather that I would like to feel that I have more of a choice in it, that I am more in control of what comes out of my mouth, rather than just falling into a socially conditioned script.

So, my current assignment is to offer empathy when someone calls me and expresses their feelings. Just empathy. Nothing else. If it seems that some other information might be helpful to them, I will offer it only after explicitly asking them if they would find it of benefit. This way, I am being true to myself and exercising choice in what I say AND I may be more able to meet their needs anyway, in that I will ask them if they would like to hear my experience rather than just assuming that they do.

Sometimes it seems that what people want (or think that they want) is not always what they need, or what might actually be healthiest. I no longer have the knee-jerk reaction to validate how people feel / behave, or to agree that they are "right" or are "doing the right thing." There are times that I know that this is expected of me, but I would be being unauthentic to say or do those things and will refuse, even when directly asked. However, I still fall into some of the socially scripted conversations, and I am no longer comfortable with that.

I am happy to say that my first opportunity to try out this new commitment to more carefully and fully choose my words went very well. Though I felt compelled and driven to console, sympathize, offer encouragement, etc., I just stuck with my decision and offered nothing by empathy, reflecting back to the person what I heard them expressing about how they felt. I was relieved that this did not seem to bother, offend or disappoint them. In fact, I seriously doubt that they noticed I was doing anything different than usual.

Which was another interesting discovery. For as much as I have felt pushed (not by any individual person, but by my cultural conditioning) to use these conversational "doo-doo's," not doing them didn't seem to matter much at all to the other person. Frankly, I had the idea that my response mattered very little -- perhaps the point is to just listen, that the real desire of the other person is just to express their feelings, and as long as they have the space to do that, perhaps they care very little for what the other person's response actually is. Maybe if they feel that their words and feelings are heard, allowed and supported then the actual feedback is irrelevant.

I am committed to continue to do this, offering only empathy in response to other people's feelings, unless I explicitly verbally ask if they would like something else. And maybe that's part of it too -- maybe it is important to me that not only am I choosing my words, but that they are consciously choosing to request particular things rather than just silently hope / wish / expect those things. All around, full disclosure and authenticity within conversation just seems more honest and healthy to me, even if it is somewhat uncomfortable at first.

That's the thing about conditioning -- it is so "under the radar," so silent and insidious, that to go against it feels.... just.... scary, for no apparent reason. In the name of authenticity, however, I am willing to deal with the discomfort. Frankly, the discomfort of inauthenticity has become greater than the discomfort of going against convention. I am curious to see the reactions to this... positive? negative? non-existent? The giraffe with the clipboard will let you know how it all turns out.....

The Jackal Show

2006-08-04T15:12:00.000-07:00

I sit here eating organic yogurt with raisins and pine nuts in it, sipping hot jasmine tea, listening to The Jackal Show. I feel fortunate because I need clarity within my consciousness; hearing The Jackal Show AS The Jackal Show meets that need for clarity.

The Jackal Show is amusing to me, as long as I realize it as such, rather than "The Voice Of Reason," or more damaging to me "My Own Inner Voice." Really, it is often the Voice Of Socialization, a voice designed to keep most members of said society trapped between very close standard deviations of the collective bell curve.

I've always lived at the edge of the bell curve -- my Authentic Sel(ves)f just don't fit very well into that big bucket in the middle. And that's OKAY. The bell curve needs edges in order to stay geometrically stable anyway and besides -- I don't really care for crowds. But I digress....

The Jackal Show has been playing some unexpected messages to me this week. Though on some level I anticipated some outcries from the internalized Jackal regarding my life-affirming choice to terminate my job. I am surprised by it's method of attempted evaluation.

I was expecting to hear all sorts of messages like "Oh my gawd! You're going to be broke! No money! The electric will be shut off and.... etc.." or "Now you're LIVING OFF OF YOUR HUSBAND!!!! You're a MOOCH! A FREELOADER! A bon-bon sucking HOUSEWIFE!!!!" I was even prepared for "I'm sort of surprised at you -- how irresponsible. To walk off the job, poof! just like some teenager who doesn't show up for work at Taco Bell because he's too hung over. I'm surprised at your age.... etc."

But I have heard none of these -- not one of the expected scripts was being rerun on The Jackal Show this week. Oh no.... they finally hired themselves a new writer, one who can come up with original, topical events to work into the plot.

What was my Jackal Show about this week? Are you ready for this? "You know, a *real* feminist would never quit her job, give up her financial independence, eradicate her only source of regular, predictable income. You finally had your own checking account, your own cash flow, and now this? You have SUCCUMBED TO THE PATRIARCHY!!! Bad feminist -- no whole wheat biscuit."

No kidding. This has been my Jackal Show guilt trip. Sure, it's been turned down kind of quiet -- if I'd heard it loudly sooner, I could have piped in with my evaluation of The Show: "Creative. Topical. But ridiculous."

First of all, the biggest "succumbing to the patriarchy" I ever did was to be gainfully employed by it. And excuse me Mr. Jackal -- I'm NOT unemployed -- I'm a free-lance writer. I write more in a week than most professional writers write in a month, so you can kiss my..... (See where evaluation gets me?)

I mean..... (Starting with observation.)

[to self] Writing is my profession; this week I met all of my professional goals. I feel disappointed because I need to know that my efforts are valued. Would you be willing to acknowledge that I *do* have a job?

And thus The Jackal says, ah, foiled again. But unlike the scripted TV Jackal Shows, in the end the "bad guy" and the "good guy" get to end the show as friends. When looked at honesty and responsibly, there is no conflict -- even a jackal can see that.

I feel gratified and happy because I need creativity and independence. My career change meets those needs. Would I be willing to acknowledge my happiness?

Why, yes. I would.

Empathy, Needs And Understanding

2006-07-29T01:31:00.000-07:00

A need for empathy is a need to feel heard and understood.

Understanding does not require agreement, i.e. one does not have to "agree" with another person to understand and hear how that person feels.

What we "disagree" with is not how the person feels, but their stated reasons for feeling so, or our interpretation for their reasons.

Feelings are not an argument; there is no reason to "agree" or "disagree" with the feelings of another.

One can hear and understand the feelings of another person without having to either agree or disagree with their stated, implied or interpreted reasons for feeling thus.

Understanding does not necessarily mean the same thing as "I can see why you would see it that way." Rather, understanding is simply stating back that you have understood what has been said.

Empathy is not sympathy. Regret, either internalized or projected (feeling sorry or feeling sorry for) is not a prerequisite for understanding and may actually hinder it.

Empathy is not how I would feel in another's shoes -- it is how they actually feel in their own shoes.

There is a relationship between empathy and acceptance. Empathy is the need to feel heard and understood -- feeling heard and understood is the precursor to feeling accepted.

The less my feelings are accepted, the less I feel willing to accept the feelings of others. The more I accept the feelings of others, the more my own feelings receive acceptance.

Feelings just ARE. They do not need to be judged, validated, agreed with, nor do they need to be "felt" by the other person. Rather, they just need to be heard, understood and optimally accepted. That seems to be what makes the cycle complete.

Once feelings are accepted, they can sort of come and go as they please. The ones which are life-alienating seem to stick around until they are heard, understood and accepted, i.e. they last longer the longer they are denied. Life-affirming feelings seem to have an inverse relationship with denial -- they go away quicker the more they are denied. Either way, accepting feelings seems to lead to experiencing more life-affirming emotions, thus acceptance is the more life-affirming response to all feelings.
Feelings do not need to be agreed or disagreed with -- they just ARE and are not an argument.

A need for empathy is a need to feel heard and understood, a need for feelings to be accepted, a need to encourage that which is life-affirming.

Empathy: Scared Stupid

2006-07-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting experience this week in my attempts to use empathy.

I was reading comments on a page related to Noam Chomsky. I would generally expect that most people who were interested in him would have values similar to my own, so I was surprised when I found a comment by someone whose values were drastically different.

I felt myself reacting to the words, words I've heard before and words which frighten / anger me. I felt the chemical rush, the blood filling my cappilaries, the "fight or flight" response of cortisol.

Whoa... This is just some person on the internet expressing an opinion -- no need to get so worked up. So I looked at it as a chance to practice NVC, to see what would happen if I applied empathy. Here is a paraphrase of the result:

***********

(Them) "You ought to be shot for thinking like this. We need SECURITY in this country, not a bunch of Liberals whining about social justice. I mean, come on -- we're at WAR."

(Me) "Are you feeling afraid because you need to feel secure and safe? Are you feeling fear because you think that the public focus should be on the war and not on social issues?"

(Them) "You goddamned Liberals are screwing up the whole country -- why don't you just shut the hell up and let the president do his job."

(Me) "Are you feeling frustrated because there is dissent among the people of this country regarding foreign policy decisions? Would you like to see more harmony among the people of America?"

(Them) "Thank God there are still some red blooded Americans here who are willing to keep the rest of you whiny asses safe."

(Me) "Are you feeling a sense of community and acceptance with those who have similar views about foreign policy? Are you feeling frustrated because you would like to see more gratitude towards those in the armed forces?"

(Them) "And don't bother sending me a bunch of uneducated Liberal crap -- I won't read it. Peace would be nice, but war is the reality."

(Me) "Are you feeling frustrated because you don't think that the arguments against war are based upon logic? Do you feel sad that war is happening, but resigned because you think that it is necessary? Does this approximate how you are feeling in response to the page about Noam Chomsky?"

*********

I had this dialog in my head while I re-read the comment, and found that I had a TOTALLY different reaction the second time around. Instead of feeling defensive and like I wanted to argue with this person, to educate them, to make them feel so stupid for feeling the way they did that SURELY they would change their mind.

With empathy, I saw them as they were -- frightened and concerned about their safety in a sometimes very dangerous world. When viewed that way, how could I feel anger? They feel as many people do, and surely in a way that I have at times felt myself. The difference between this person and myself is our belief in the effective strategies to get that security and safety.

There is never a conflict in needs, only a conflict in strategies to fill those needs.

The phrase "scared stupid" popped into my mind, and though it sounds judgmental, it actually carried with it a heart opening experience. This person was not using logic particularly effectively -- if I had wanted, I could have torn his argument apart and left him with nothing to hold onto or believe in. (I've done this before, many times.) I could have made him feel defensive, attacked, and thus furthered the uncomfortable rift he was already feeling between himself and those he labels "Liberals." I could have shaken his tree, thus causing him to cling to it all that much tighter. I could have experienced my own sense of righteousness, of superiority, of holier than thou looking down my nose because I am much more educated snobbery.

But I didn't. Or rather, I stopped myself when I found myself going there and consciously tried a different perspective. It was amazing how much different I felt, and how much different my communication with him would have been had I chosen to engage with him.

I'm thinking about purposefully seeking out "inflammatory" commentaries from perspectives I do not agree with and trying this out again. I may even, with a little practice, try some actual empathic communication with the writers of such commentary.

Hmmmmm.......

Needs (vs Strategies)

2006-07-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

I am yet noticing another thing while I try, sometimes in vain, to discern my underlying needs in different situations.

In the four part formula of NVC (observe, feeling, need, request) I find I have the most difficulty figuring out what my need is. Often, my first need is too specific or too general -- rather, it is a desire that masks the greater need underneath.

I kid you not -- sometimes it takes me DAYS to figure out how to observe, identify my feeling, identify my need and then formulate an actionable request... and mostly it's the "need" part that hangs me up for so long.

Just last night I was examining needs that I seem to have, needs that often go unmet. Marshall Rosenberg talks about how needs are never in conflict -- we all need the same things -- but that the strategies we may use to get those needs met can be in conflict.

So. How to identify a need.....

What I found was that, often, a need I think I have is actually a STRATEGY for getting a need met, not the need itself.

For instance, I was believing that I had a need to spend intimate time alone with my husband. This is a need which, with small children (read: toddlers with sometimes erratic sleeping habits, who get teeth, cough at night, or otherwise wake themselves up) is sometimes difficult to fulfill. After the third night in a row (now the fourth, but I'm over it) of spending hours trying to get a usually easily sleeping baby to sleep instead of spending alone time with my husband (which was my intended plan), well, I started to get a little cranky about it.

But what happens then? When my needs conflict with the needs of my children?

I remembered what Marshall said -- he's a very smart man who has considered these things deeply -- I tend to believe him. So, okay, needs are not in conflict, but rather the strategies to get those needs met.

And, other times I have looked at it personally and realized that what is in my family's best interest is always in my best interest as well. I am part of my family, therefore what is best for me is best for them and vice versa. Realizing that has led to effortless prioritization -- if I think about it from the collective perspective, the choice is almost always clear. So how does that apply to this situation?

I need to spend alone time with my husband.... or do I? Is it possible that spending time with him is a strategy for MEETING a need rather than the need itself? Hmmmm..... So what do I get out of the experience? What need(s) is it fulfilling?

I have a need for relaxation, for bliss, for laughter. I have a need for "down time," for jumping around however I want with myself as the focus of my caring. I have a need for sexual expression, for intimacy, for health, healing and energy. I have a need for love, companionship, camaraderie, fellowship, spiritual realization, vigor, peace, understanding and communion.

Wow. Time with him meets a lot of needs -- guess that's why I like him so much. BUT, in the instances where I am temporarily unable to employ that particular strategy of having those needs met, might I meet them in some other ways? At least some of them?

Why yes, I might. So now that I realize that I am no longer quite so.... stressed about not getting to spend as much time with him as I would sometimes like. Sure, a wonderful time is had by all when we do get to be alone, but why not have a wonderful time even when we don't? This is what's happening -- I may as well enjoy it. My children will not be young forever. In fact, they are young for only a very, very short time.

So, now when I think I have a need, I am examining it very carefully to see if it is REALLY a need and not 1) an ego-desire (no one really NEEDS six hundred jelly beans) or 2) I have confused a strategy with a need. Once I can discern the real need, only then will I be able to effectively fill it.

Actionable Requests

2006-07-20T00:27:00.000-07:00

In NVC, the most common phrasing for actionable requests begins with the clause "Would you be willing....?" I have been adapting and using this phraseology in my conversations, trying to replace the old clause "Would you mind....?"

This seems like a small, simple step, and it is, which is probably why I'm having at least some success in actually *doing* it. When I examine it, however, the implications are pretty profound, at least to me.

"Would you be willing....?" This is asking someone if they would or would not do X action, not if they would "mind" doing it. Asking if they mind doing it, regardless of their answer, doesn't indicate if they WILL do it -- it just ascertains their level of inconvenience at the possibility. It is not a direct request; it is more like a hint that one would like someone to do something: "If I asked X would you be annoyed at me while / if you did X?"

I find it interesting that in our culture we use the sentence stem "Would you mind....?" a whole lot more often than "Would you be willing....?" To me, this indicates that what we are culturally concerned about is not how willing someone is to do something, but how annoyed they might be at us for asking them to do it. We are not conditioned to directly request things from people -- rather, we are taught to make demands, hint or some combination thereof.

I have certainly caught myself doing all of the culturally accepted and conditioned methods of making requests. Luckily, my family is aware that I am practicing NVC and trying to change my communication patterns. Now a "request" often sounds something like this:

"My back hurts; I wish my red ergonomic rocking chair wasn't stacked on the table so that I could sit on it." [Wait for husband to take hint. He doesn't.] "If my back didn't already hurt, I'd get it down myself." [Wait. Nothing.] "I guess I'll just sit on the floor." [Realize I haven't asked for the chair.] "Hey -- get my chair for me." [Realize I've gone from hinting to demanding.] "I mean, that is, if you don't mind." [Hear myself and try again.] "Would you be willing to get my red chair down off of that table? [Chair appears, I sit down.]

It is amazing how difficult it is to make direct actionable requests -- most of us have little modeling for that behavior. That's the other thing -- it has to be actionable, i.e. a concrete action that the other person can actually DO. Vague things like "doing more work around the house" or "paying more attention to me" are not actionable. Rather, those things might be expressed as "picking up your towel after you shower" or "going out to dinner with me every Friday night."

So, for now I'll focus on changing the phrase "Would you mind....?" to "Would you be willing....?" It is short and simple... but not always easy.

Actionable Requests

2006-07-15T12:49:00.000-07:00

In my examination of the idea of "actionable requests" I realize that I have confused two things in my head: The idea that one has the right to make requests but not demands HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH one's right to decide what one is and is not willing to do in response to demands. Just because I don't feel fulfilled when I make demands of others doesn't mean that I "should" feel fulfilled when I accept (real, implied or imaginary) demands from others. :<) This seems obvious upon reflection, but was a big revelation.

Current events combined with thinking about this issue are instigating an examination by me of the concept of "directness." I am noticing how this quality is lacking in our cultural discourse and how I have internalized that lack in my own discourse. My need for clarity applies to myself and my own interactions as well -- I am observing that I hesitate to be direct.

Directness + empathy -- these are the foundations upon which I would prefer to base my communications. What have I been taught / modeled culturally? Indirectness + defensiveness? No wonder we don't get our needs met.

And what is this cultural fear of directness? This fear of letting our preferences be clearly known? Is it a fear that if others know what we want they will purposfully keep it from us? Is it a belief that others already (should) know what we need but don't "want" to give it to us? Is it an underlying belief that we're not "worthy" of having our needs met? Or that we're "weak" if we have needs at all?

How dysfunctional.... and I mean that as an observation, not a judgment. I mean this system just doesn't work to get needs met, i.e. does not function.

And when I internalize and try to use this methodology I don't work as functionally either. But oh -- the cultural pressure to hint -- it is nigh irresistable.

I will endeavor to be even more direct. (There's that word "even" which allows me to strive for something different while at the same time acknowledging my accomplishments thus far.) I will endeavor to be brave in the face of implied requests / demands, neither accepting nor perpetuating them. This is my assignment, my current challenge -- I'll keep you posted.

ID Feelings

2006-07-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

In doing some homework for my NVC study group recently, I noted something interesting....

The assignment was to list words that one might feel when they were 1) having their needs met and 2) when they were not having their needs met. Okay... no problem.... Start with list 1:

Content
Blissful
Fulfilled
Relaxed
Grateful
Energized

Well, that was fun! As I wrote I found myself experiencing each of the feelings, as though each one was a little emotional chocolate in a big shiny box. But on to the second part of the assignment....

Sad
Despair
Loathing
Dread
Shameful
Angry
Resentful
Overwhelmed
Conflicted

After that list, suddenly I didn't feel so hot anymore. Life looked sort of dark, sort of gloomy, definitely not-shiny. But since I was out of words, I went back to exercise one...

Excited
Gleeful
Delighted
Creative
Exuberant
Turned On

Hey -- not so bad. Starting to feel pretty up again. Now back to exercise two...

Stubborn
Trapped
Contentious
Aggressive
Isolated
Vulnerable
Scared
Anxious
Self-righteous

Bleh. Bleh. BLEH!!!! Back to number one...

Stable
Grounded
Unstoppable
Connected
Harmonious
Ecstatic

Just to keep things spiffy, I ended with exercise one and didn't go back to number two again. It was amazing -- every time I though about the words and their meanings and repeated them to myself, I started to feel what the words expressed. Hmm....

There are often several ways I can choose to view a situation I'm in, or the emotions I am having in relation to that situation. When I'm feeling particularly "down" I find that I am more likely to pick words which reflect that "down" feeling. (See words from exercise two.) If, however, I make a conscious choice to re-lable my experience, or as is often the case, to observe the situation without judgment, then I tend to choose less emotionally skewed words to view my internal state.

I wonder, though.... what if I just periodically read or thought about a list of words which describe how I would feel if my needs were met? Would I be more likely to experience life as a series of ongoing fulfilling events? Or, conversely, if I often thought in terms of the second list, would I be more likely to experience life as a series of ongoing disappointments? Hmmm....

I am willing to try the former approach, though I think I'll leave the latter to the realm of theoretical possibility. And, really if I'm honest, I have *plenty* of experience labeling my internal state in a variety of "negative" (pardon my evaluation) ways.

Hmmm..... things that make me go "hmmm...."

Ob w/out Judge ~ 4th of July

2006-07-01T17:15:00.000-07:00

Conditioned reaction:

"Uck, I hate fireworks. Every year I spend a whole weekend tense, jumping every five seconds, wondering if it's a gun or a firecracker.... is someone getting shot next to my house? Oh my gawd! What if that's a.....??!!!!?? F*&$*#($@!!! I HATE fireworks!!!"

Post NVC, Observe without judgment:

There are people lighting explosives in a parking lot about fifty feet away from my house.

There is a physical element to the blast that my body registers independent of the actual sound, i.e. it occurs a split second after I hear the blast.

A few seconds after I perceive the sound, a second sub-sonic wave follows. When it passes through me it causes a sensation of movement in my solar plexis.

This is a similar physiological response as the one evolutionarily experienced by humans when something large was chasing them, and therefore alerts a part of my limbic system that a sound above a certain decibel level followed by a sub-sonic wave has occurred and might be a source of potential danger.

Therefore, in the absence of examining the condition objectively, I interpreted automatically that the sound indicates some kind of threat since it is always accompanied by a physical sensation that I associate with fear. If, however, I just observe the situation without the fear, I see that the sensation occurs independent of my feelings about it. A physical sensation that I associate with fear occurs, therefore I interpret that I am afraid, when in fact I'm not. It would be like interpreting that one is afraid of the waves because one is standing on the deck of a boat.

Hmm....

I am also aware that if I didn't already have a body cortisol level above a certain threshold, then it is likely I would have experienced the sounds of fireworks differently. However, because I already had unprocessed cortisol floating around in my system, the limbic response from the physical effect of the sound jumped on that cortisol bus and took off.

Woo hoo! We've taken this ride before! Cortisol and adrenaline team up to make Fyshmom hop, pop and curse all weekend long!

I find my neuropeptides more amusing if I give them quirky personalities. I used to be filled with demons; now I'm merely harboring imps.

Furthermore, I am also not observing the situation without judgment if I am jumping to preconceived conclusions about my predicted emotional state, i.e. that I hate fireworks, I''ve always hated them, and it is inevitable that I am going to dislike them now. By making assumptions about my current situation based upon how I've reacted in the past, I don't allow for the fact that my experience now is unique and new. By recalling my past negative judgments and assuming they will be relevant for the current situation, I automatically asses the present in a negative light.

So this is how behavior patterns develop..... hmmmm....

And I guess that is what NVC is all about -- changing, breaking out of old conditioned patterns, responding to what is there rather than reacting to conditioned interpretations of it. This whole "observe without judgment" thing just keeps paying off. Not once have I regretted taking the time to do it -- it is a tree that repeatedly bears fruit.

Observation Without judgment

2006-07-01T00:46:00.000-07:00

(Just to make a note, I've decided to entitle each of these journal entries by category, i.e. by what chapter in the NVC book inspired my musings.)

Observation without judgment.... wow -- this one has been one of the most intensely useful and transformative topics for me to consider. For the sake of this post, I'll try to pick one short point to ponder -- it's late, I have a cold, and I've taken NyQuil, so we'll see how this goes.

I am noting how much of my perception of reality is colored by my categorization of things or events as "good" or "bad." I've been working on this area for some years, realizing that there is often no reason to plop everything into One Category or Another, yet I still find myself doing it sometimes. One point which struck me profoundly about practicing NVC was how many of my "problems" disappeared as if by magic as soon as I transformed my evaluative judgments int true observations.

For instance, I found myself earlier internally bemoaning how "terrible" I felt, noting the "awful" sensations in my throat, the "horrible" stuffiness in my nose, and the "annoying" pain in my back. I noted myself doing this, and decided to practice observing without judgment instead:

My body is experiencing tiredness.
My throat is experiencing pain.
My right sinus passages are blocked with mucus.
There is muscle tension in my lower back.

Two things occurred when I made this verbal transition:

1) The "heavy feeling" in my mind and body disappeared. Yes, I was still experiencing the same physical symptoms as before, but suddenly they didn't feel so overpowering any more. I think this came about for two reasons:

a) The sensations were put into concrete perspective rather than the ambiguous language of judgment. (Words like "terrible" and "awful" aren't really all that descriptive if I think about it.)

b) Once the sensations in my body were acknowledged for what they truly were, it was like my body was able to release some of the intensity of the sensations, sort of like the way an emotion often calms once it has been acknowledged and empathized with.

Which leads to the second shift that occurred with this verbal transition...

2) I was able to give myself genuine empathy for how I was feeling. Just as I've found it easier to do that when I name my emotional feelings, I found it likewise to be the case with my physical sensations.

I feel happy to notice self-empathy coming so easily and unbidden since that is an area I have traditionally struggled with. Also, I didn't *try* or plan to give myself empathy -- it just sort of happened. So, here it is again -- one more life-affirming reason to observe events, feelings and sensations without judgment.

Which leads to one of my current decisions / experiments -- I am going to attempt to strike particular words from my vocabulary for a while. Not forever -- perhaps someday I can use those words from a more neutral perspective -- but for now these words have so many "push-button" connotations to me they are effectively meaningless, or at least not particularly accurately descriptive.

The first two words are "good" and "bad." Even "positive" and "negative" are a bit questionable to me right now..... to adopt NVC terminology, perhaps "life-affirming" and "life-alienating" are more to the point.

Then there are the words which are ultimately just other versions of "good" and "bad," though for my purposes I'm more interested in setting aside the more "negatively skewed" words. And it isn't that I believe I need to totally strike them from my list of potential words, just that I think I would be better served by limiting their use, noting when I use them and checking whether or not those words are even truly descriptive of my present situation.

For instance, I find my internal dialog labeling objects or events, but then when I check and ask myself, "Do I really think that X is terrible?" I find that the answer is often "No." It's like I've been conditioned to believe that certain situations are negative by nature, even though I intellectually know that not to be the case. (There is nothing terrible but that thinking makes it so.)

I enjoy my life so much more without the boxes of "good" and "bad." Without those boxes experience has the ability to be more expansive, richer, more textured, and from what I've found, often more enjoyable. I have discovered myself making life-alienating judgments about situations that, once I dropped the judgment and just observed it for what it was, suddenly became neutral or even enjoyable experiences.

It is quite a large pay-off for taking ten seconds out of my conditioned thought stream to ask myself to observe the situation without judging it. If I really think it's useful, I can always judge it later.

In The Beginning

2006-06-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

NVC, Nonviolent Communication -- it was a term that just kept popping up in my life.

First it was recommended as a possible reading selection for the Attachment Parenting bookclub that I facilitate. Then it was referred to by my ex-sister-in-law as something which had drastically altered the communication style of her brother in new and highly unexpected ways. Then it came up in a random Wikipedia search for some totally unrelated topic.

Okay, okay..... I got the point.

So I bought the book for myself as a Solstice gift and scheduled it as our January and February bookclub selection. I started reading over the holidays and couldn't put it down.

Oh my....

The first thing that struck me was that it was a communication method and style which absolutely *forced* the speaker to take responsibility for his or her feelings. There was none of "when you do this I feel this" dynamic that I've seen with so many other communication styles. Though that template has some use for superficial clarity in a situation and avoids "you" statements, it still puts the responsibility for the emotional states onto the other person. Intellectually I know that no one is ever totally responsible for or in control of the emotions of another, so that never sat comfortably with me.

In NVC the template is "I feel this because I need this." My feelings are all about ME -- not how I feel because of what you did, not how I feel in relation to you, not how I feel because of X, Y and Z external forces. My feelings are MINE -- I've known for some time that was true, no matter how much I would occasionally like it to be otherwise.

And there's another interesting question... why would I want someone else to be responsible for my feelings? What an unsafe and unpredictable world if how I feel is controlled by someone else.... though of course then I also don't have to take responsibility for "fixing things" either.

To me, that is at the heart of what I have gotten and continue to get as I study NVC -- we have much more control over our lives and happiness than we have been conditioned to believe. In fact, I've seen several cases now where the language I use (and therefore the beliefs I internalize) run totally counter to the values I actually have.

Which I suppose is why the subtitle of the book is "Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values."

Which leads to another thing I think we are conditioned not to realize -- the only true freedom comes out of responsibility, meaning that until we take responsibility for the freedoms we truly have, we will never feel, or believe ourselves to be, free.

For instance, if I "feel rejected when you don't return my phone calls," then my uncomfortable, sad feelings are totally based upon the whims of someone else. Even saying "I feel rejected" creates a value judgment on the other person, i.e. that it was their intention to reject me. And, technically, "rejected" isn't even a feeling.... sad, hurt, disappointed.... those are feelings. "Rejected" is more of a verb that implies uncontrollable victimization and doesn't actually express a feeling anyway.

I have studied many different communication styles for a variety of reasons and tried many of them out with varying degrees of success. While many of them dealt with the idea of stating one's own feelings or using "I" statements instead of "you" statements, they still carried within them many loopholes for misapplication.

Another common misuse of the idea of feelings in communication is some equivalent of "I feel that you're completely wrong," or "I feel that you're an asshole." Again, though it is preferable for the sake of clarity to talk about how I feel rather than what I perceive you to be doing, these sorts of interactions don't really lead to smoother, calmer or safer interactions between people. These statements don't express a feeling anyway, but rather are thoughts and opinions.

Not so with NVC -- there is no wiggle room to avoid one's own responsibility for one's own feelings. Though it is sometimes very difficult (it certainly isn't what we're culturally used to) and very uncomfortable (it's hard to notice how often I used to ((and sometimes still want to)) blame others for my feelings) it is extremely efficacious and transformative to use.

And I'm only talking about one small part of one small part of it -- this is just the idea which initially drew me to NVC, i.e. that I could learn to express the reality of my feelings clearly to myself and to others. After all the years I spent learning to communicate, learning to identify and express my feelings, meditating and being aware of my internal states, it was (and is) still difficult for me to do.

It really is like learning another language, or learning a different syntax for the same language. Some parts are easy for me, and other parts are not. Regardless of level of perceived difficulty, everything I've learned or discovered in my journey with NVC has been transformative, freeing and wholly positive. Thus far, it is the most enlightening, pragmatic and practical method of communication to which I have ever been exposed -- it has implications for high-order transformation for the individual, family, community and the world. And though NVC isn't easy to implement, the method itself is simple.

Simple but not easy. That pretty much sums up NVC.